I want to write the world's worst fanfiction where Dan Brown and Stephenie Meyer (her parents couldn't spell properly) hook up

God I love this

"Over six feet tall, Becker moved across a squash court faster than any of his colleagues could comprehend. After soundly beating his opponent, he would cool off by dousing his head in a drinking fountain and soaking his tuft of thick, black hair. Then, still dripping, he'd treat his opponent to a fruit shake and a bagel."

What in the name of fuck.

Moist, giant ubermensch gives food to those he defeats in competition.

People love tripe

That's pretty bad, but not nearly as bad as Meyers' shitscrape scrawlings.

Yeah, Meyer really is a cut below the rest

It's like she's trying to be shite

STATUESQUE ADONIS

GLITTERING VAMPIRE SKIN

But yeah it's just completely lacking anything interesting

EVERY CHARACTER IS PERFECT

Yeah. It's like this very intense blandness.

It's aggressively dull.

When your characters are so plain that vampires can walk in the sun without ill effect, you need to reconsider your book

NOBODY HAS ANY PROBLEMS!

And then LET'S MAKE IT SEEM LIKE THERE ARE PROBLEMS BY MAKING EVERYONE ACT ALL ANGSTY

OVER STUFF THAT DOESN'T MATTER

NOTHING HAPPENS IN THIS BOOK

God, I'm so depressed. Life is just, like, too perfect, you know?

Yeah, my chiseled, godlike vampire boyfriend is just too awesome.

And I'm just too great.

It's just... it crushes me inside.

How could I possibly live with this?

Ugh!

I'm going to go play some Crouching Tiger Baseball.

Which I play perfectly.

Ughhh!

Only good things ever happen to me. What will I ever do?

Woe... woe is me.

"I'm going to give you a raise!" * goes home and cuts self *

I'm sometimes very troubled/depressed/disappointed in how much physical appearance plays a role in our procreation.

Once more important perhaps but it shouldn't be the gold standard for our species today

Exactly. And it's hard to say with a straight face or think with a straight mind that we're still selecting for, say, intelligence and other stuff when you think of just how much weight most people seem to give it.

But we're also, to some extent or another, hard-wired to select for appearance

You can only go against that so much

Right. It seems we're sort of evolved to be self-destructive.

DUMB AND PRETTY WINS THE RACE

THE HUMAN RACE

Do you think Wookies who join the military cut their fur short?

Chewbacca looked sort of like a hippie

Ugh, yeah. I'm feeling like the entire Wookie economy was based around shampoo.

At least, I hope it was.

Oh dude if you're a shampoo manufacturer on Kashyyk you're rollin in dough

Similarly if you live where the Hutts come from you're gonna want to be in the lube business

I always assumed Hutts were self-lubricating.

Ah, good point

Someone needs to turn that into a band. "Self-Lubricating Hutts."

And all they play is the song from the Mos Isley cantina. Over and over and over and over.

That would get old most fast

Maybe. They could like switch hats or something.

Keep things fresh.

Dog on horse! (link)

Hell yeah.

That dog rules

It really does.

I want to get a dog that rides on a horse that rides on an elephant that rides on a whale. And then I train an albatross to carry a pelican to carry (in its mouth) a badger to carry a mouse to fly down and snatch an olive off the dog's snout.

The fact that this doesn't spontaneously happen is proof that there is no god, because were I omnipotent this is what I'd spend my time doing.

Rube Goldberg-style animal tricks.

Creating animals just to fuck with them

Yeah, pretty much.

But in return, I would give them the ability to appreciate pride in accomplishment.

So they'd WANT to keep doing awesome shit like this.

Bunch of dogs spontaneously building a pyramid like a bunch of cheerleaders.

Omnipotence fucking rules

Indeed.

It really is, at the very least, proof that god is a boring son of a bitch

If there is a god, he's fucking BORING.

(NOTE: The above two lines happened simultaneously, which, as of this conversation, has started occurring with increasing frequency over the last couple weeks.)

Haha.

AGAIN.

Jesus

hahaha

Wondering how/why that keeps happening. I mean, granted, if you talk to someone enough especially with humor-type back-and-forth stuff you tend to get sort of a feel for their minds, but... still.

Yeah, it's the specificity of it that's a little creepy

Though I guess it's mere coincidence and knowledge of each other

Maybe I'm PSYCHIC!!!

* lifts a pencil with his dick *

Wait, that's not right.

That's telekiphallic

"I have psychic powers! I can lift a pencil with my dick!!!"

"Sir, I'm not quite sure you understand how this works"

"No, watch!"

"Spooky, isn't it?"

"Well I'll be god damned"

Why does every word related to a vagina sound so fucking stupid?

"Labia" sounds like a kind of dog.

"G Spot" is just fucking moronic.

Yeah, I dunno.

"Cervix" should be the name of some nearby star system.

And "clitoris"? What am I, fixing a fucking car?

"Oh, you just turn the clitoris a few times. The timing must be off. If it's not that, it might be the carburetor."

Vulva, too.

They're all very squishy, difficult-to-swallow words.

Yeah.

Pudenda.

That's a piece of furniture.

What's a pudenda?

It's some stupid Latin phrase that literally translates to "to be ashamed" but refers to women's junk because humans are retards.

And always have been.

Sounds like a piece of flower.

"The stamen is attached to the pudenda,"

Or, like, "Oh, the ottoman has arrived! Awesome! Put it next to the pudenda."

And all the slang. Louis C.K. had a great bit about, like, "How could you look at that and call it a 'cunt'?"

Haha, I've heard that.

"Even 'vagina' is too harsh a word for it."

But when you think about it, it's ALL stupid.

Every word for every part of the vagina is ill-fitting.

Maybe foreign languages have better words.

Doubtful!

I think it's called "sarlacc" in Arabic.

"Vajine" with the soft j works pretty well, even if it's a Boratism.

Cos "pusshole" just seems offensive.

"Hey, did you get sand in your pusshole?"

That's aggressive.

And like, even the internal anatomy.

Uterus.

That's a name that should belong to a really fucking stupid-looking goat cousin.

"Where should we put the ibex exhibit?" "Hrmm. Put it between the uteruses and the gorals."

"Ovaries" are stupid too. RICH, CHOCOLATEY OVARIES

Uterus I'm okay with, cos that's far away from the other shit.

That's like, gall bladder territory.

Gaul bladder.

Male anatomy seems more appropriate, for some reason.

Testicles, duodenum, vas deferens, those pretty much are what they sound like.

Oh wait.

Not duodenum.

What am I thinking of?

Oh well. Pretend I'm smart, instead.

Jeffries Tubes?

What's its function?

That little slab of whatever that sticks to the side of your nuts.

THAT'S A REAL THING RIGHT

Peanut butter?

(For me, anyway.)

Hahah.

You don't own a dog!

Don't have to own a dog to enjoy the feel of peanut butter gluing your balls to your leg.

Shit, what's that thing? Am I making it up?

It's like, armor plating for your balls, but not armor at all.

And I don't really want to look at pictures of the reproductive system right now.

Cremaster muscle?

Spermatic artery?

Zac Defrons?

Infundibuliform fascia?

Spermatic plexus?

Anyway, the only thing that doesn't sound stupid in the female anatomy is "fallopian tubes", I guess.

But that's mostly because they have "tubes" in the name, which facilitates some amount of familiarity and not just, like, "welp, here's a jumble of letters for this thing on the bottom of a woman's torso" or whatever.

Listen.

Female reproductive system is not a big truck, it's not just something you dump something in. It's a series of tubes.

I'VE BEEN DOING IT WRONG

ALL THESE YEARS

My wife sent me a, a female reproductive system last Thursday, I didn't get it till today.

Her tubes were clogged.

How come apeshit is universally understood to mean "crazy," but not other kinds of shit?

"Jesus, you hear about Steve? He went completely horseshit."

"That guy's bullshit crazy.'

"Wait, so you mean he's faking it?"

"No, he's bullshit crazy. You know. He went apeshit. Dogshit. You know. Horseshit insane."

"This is all a crock of shit."

*stirs*

*ladles some out into a shoe*

*throws it into the lake*

"Man, this guy's really chickenshit crazy, isn't he!?"

"Aw man, Carl went shit!"

"Wait… what? Where?"

"Right there! Didn't you see him!"

"Like, in his pants?"

"I mean… I guess so...?"

One unanticipated consequence of Mr. Freeze freezing his wife was that when she finally thawed out and they conceived a child, he came out with Iceberger's.

Indeed. But they were very grateful that it was not full blown thawtism.

How likely do you think you'd be to survive a cougar attack? Let's say you saw the thing coming.

Hrmm. I could probably punch it in the face and knock it out.

Though, that's doubtful.

It's those paws that get you!

Yeah. Size of human hands, basically, with claws at the end.

I probably couldn't survive it, no.

I mean, if I had a warning and could get, like, a weapon of some sort, maybe.

LIKE A GUN? A GUN??? YOU WANT A GUNN

But, like… if it were a genuine cougar in an unarmed conflict, I'd do some damage to it, but it'd probably kill me.

Yeah.

What about if it had been declawed?

And you had been reclawed.

THAT might turn the tide in my favor!

"Okay, now, what if YOU were the cougar and it was a HUMAN you were attacking who LOOKED JUST LIKE YOU USED TO LOOK!?!?!? Because you were mad because he stole your body and put you in a cat!"

OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPATY DONOR / I'VE GOT AN INAPPROPRIATE BONER / OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPATY DOILET / I'M GONNA STICK YOUR HEAD IN A TOILET

Something tells me this isn't the chocolate factory I was looking for.

Reports are that there were technical issues with the touch's camera so they're delaying the announcement

How can there be technical issues? It's an iPhone without a 3G antenna, basically.

And the iPhone already has a camera.

You'd think it'd be a bigger bitch getting it into the fuckin' Nano.

Now I could get a radio adapter for my car and play FM radio over my FM transmitter using the FM radio in my iPod!

BITCHIN!!!!

*wails on an air guitar* *does a skateboard flip over an old person*

THIS AIN'T YOUR DADDY'S CAR STEREO

I practically had my wallet open at 1pm

Now my asshole is clenched tight

Mine always is. It's a medical condition.

I imagine the buttsex is great!!!

It's ridiculous

There's a mic on that thing at least

Oh jesus it's horrible

The mic is on the headphones... but only for the 32 gig and 64 gig versions

That is totally assass.

Word up!

Word to your mother!

Make her reach for it!

Put it up high!

Word up!

* raises da roof *

Dude our office is out of good coffee. I think I'm gonna go get a nice big heapin cuppa shit coffee from the caf

Delicious.

Just pay some homeless dude to take a dump in your mouth.

It'd taste about the same!

And would probably be cheaper!

It's true!

We need a Willy Wonka for other more serious businesses.

Like, "I own NBC! Look at me! Tweedle-dee-dee! Friday night programming shall now be referred to as Snugglumpmump Eve."

"Our sappy parenting programming is to be renamed Everlasting Momstoppers."

"Oompa loompa doopity doo, I've got some Nielsen Ratings for you, oompa loompa doopity dee, if you are wise you'll listen to me"

And the Oompa Loompas are all just well-dressed executives who are slightly shorter than average and all in blackface.

Now how did THAT get past the network censors!!!

The network censor is just some obnoxious kid who loves cowboys and westerns and has been shrunk down to like two inches tall.

HEY GUYS CHECK OUT MY DEPRESSION DOESN'T THE WHOLE WORLD SUCK AND REEK OF GOAT BALLS?

I should make a t-shirt:

ASK ME ABOUT MY NEAR-CRIPPLING DEPRESSION

FUCK WYSIWYG

WHAT I SAW WAS NOT WHAT I GOT

THIS IS ENTIRELY COUNTER-INTUITIVE

Let's join the Church of Scientology and then do nothing but make high-pitched whining noises in our sinuses.

I'd need to train

And they'd be all "Where are those noises coming from?"

And they'd accuse us...

And we'd just shrug.

As we continued to make the noise

Exactly.

"I know it's you! Stop it!"

* shrug *

Write down on a piece of paper "I don't know what you're talking about."

All the while making the noise.

I have a 10:00 meeting

The most boring meeting

What kind of meeting?

PREPARATION FOR AN EVENT

PREPARATION H

FOR AN EVENT

TREAT YOUR SWELLED ANUS BEFORE YOU HAVE TO GO OUT IN PUBLIC

Pretty much

Ugh and another shit thing at 4 to celebrate people who've been here like 25 years n shit

I don't care

The banner just reads "YOU HAVE ALL WASTED YOUR LIVES."

Pretty much, yeah

And then they just sort of line up and throw themselves one by one out the window.

See, now that would entertain me

I'd go

So would I. I think a lot of people would.

All this shit makes me wanna go right home

Maybe you can figure out an excuse. Fake a coughing fit and leave the room.

Be all "I'M SO HAPPY YOU'VE ALL BEEN HERE FOR 25 YEARS BUT I CANNOT BREATHE"

And then skip off to the bathroom for a game of iPhone Madden.

Hell yea

"NO REALLY I'M OKAY THIS HAPPENS ALL THE TIME"

"PLEASE THOUGH BY NO MEANS ALLOW MY ABSENCE TO DETRACT FROM YOUR MEANINGLESS EXISTENCES"

Pretty crazy shit, this world.

The craziest

What's great is:

Not only are we all fucking crazy, which makes this world a total nightmarefuck of an abomination...

We also, by virtue of being total fucking bats upstairs, each individually have a skewed interpretation of the world around us.

So everyone's fucking crazy, but it seems even more insane because we're looking at it in CrazyVision.

BREAKING: @Mentions/Replies just went live on Facebook

This is breaking

This is the breaking news

That you care about

Up to the minute news

About shitass features on a goddamn website.

Kill me

HOLY SHIT

SOMEONE CALL THE PRESS

NO BETTER YET

@ THEM ON FACEBOOK

IT'S THE NEXT. BIG. THING.

A WHOLE NEW WAY TO GIVE A SHIT

I weep

I'm out of tears.

Fuckin Yahweh

Such a dick

OOO, AM I YAHWEH? MAYBE JEHOVAH? OH, WHAT ABOUT ELOHIM??? HA, GONNA THROW A LITTLE ALLAH ATCHA JUST TO MIX IT UP

EITHER WAY, FUCK YOU!!!

YOU'RE ALL WRONG IT WAS ADONAI

BRIMSTONE FOR EVERYONE

BAD GUESS! HAHA! ETERNAL TORMENT IS A FUCKIN' GAME SHOW!

AND THERE'S NO STRATEGY INVOLVED

YOU DIDN'T SOLVE THE PUZZLE! TIME TO BE PRODDED IN THE DICK BY ACID PORCUPINES

"Submit to the will of Bob Barker or suffer the rest of your days being overcharged for everything"

Wait, does that make Drew Carey Jesus?

"But then our Lord Drew Carey came and THE RULES CHANGED!"

"Bob Barker's blood sacrifices were rendered outmoded! Now all anyone had to do was believe that Drew Carey is host."

"Death rides a pale horse, and he brings with him famine, plague, and that dick who always raises your guess by one dollar"

Shockingly, there's still a large segment of the population, particularly in New York City and Israel, who believe that Drew Carey is not the host of The Price is Right

Yeah. And that there will eventually be a new host, but it's certainly not Drew Carey.

And they're constantly trying to get Drew Carey fired.

Indeed, it's probably their fault (but ultimately the blame rests upon a network exec) that Drew Carey was forcibly asked to stay away from the set for three days

They didn't stipulate three days, but he came back after that much time

They even put a huge rock in front of the door to the studio, but he somehow moved it.

But nobody can seem to come to an agreement as to who saw him first

Was it the showcase beauties? The audience? Drew Carey's mom?

On the day Drew was forced to leave, Rich Fields denied knowing him three times before the ascending mountain man yodeled.

On one notable occasion before his temporary exile, a contestant was getting heckled for wearing a skimpy tube top. Carey intervened, pithily decreeing, "Let he who does not really appreciate these fine, fine ta-tas cast the first plinko chip."

Now that I'm thinking about it, the crowd of Price Is Right actually sort of resembles a megachurch. People all running around shouting and jumping ecstatically up the aisles.

There was a time when one of the games did not bear a winner when Drew Carey asked it to, and so he cursed it and it never bore a winner again.

At the beginning of each show, Carey selects a small number of people to be his chosen posse, who stay onstage with him the entire hour. When selected, an otherworldy voice with no discernable origin shouts, "COME ON DOWN"

You know, Catholics do refer to the bread as the "host".

THERE'S A REASON.