OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPATY DONOR / I'VE GOT AN INAPPROPRIATE BONER / OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPATY DOILET / I'M GONNA STICK YOUR HEAD IN A TOILET

Something tells me this isn't the chocolate factory I was looking for.

I haven't had a crepe in ages but I've been craving one since I saw them on Hell's Kitchen about a week ago.

I'M AN AWFUL BRITISH MAN

COOK LIKE ME

Fuckin Kanye I hope he trips on an elephant's dick

And then he gets up and trips over its trunk. And then he keeps going like that, like some horrible slapstick routine.

That just keeps going until he starves to death.

WHY CAN'T I GET UNTANGLED FROM THIS GODDAMN ELEPHANT

Yo elephant I'm happy for you and I'mma let you finish but Beyonce had one of the best dicks/trunks of all time.

Bug boners.

The boners of bugs

A six-part documentary by David Attenborough.

Speaking of the world ending, how many more celebrities do you think will die by the end of the year? We're on like, what, 80 now this year so far?

The Academy Awards "In Memoriam" reel is going to have to be its own show.

It's crazy, isn't it?

I'd like to see them fuck up the music on that one of these days so that they play "To All the Girls I've Loved Before" by accident.

While all these dead people scroll by.

And then "Come On Feel the Noise".

As they frantically try to fix it, it just keeps getting worse and worse

They swap that one out and it turns out the track they thought was some John Williams-ish symphonic piece is, like, Wesley Willis's "Suck a Camel's Dick".

And then they scrap that one, switching it out for what they think is the soundtrack to Jurassic Park, but it's actually Andrew W.K.'s "She Is Beautiful".

Eventually the producer just gives up, like he's mired in some kind of Lovecraftian nightmare of eldritch horrors, and blows his brains out.

And then everyone else is all scrambling to add him to the reel...

To the tune of "Two Tickets to Paradise".

"Please do not limit our ability to be terrible by complaining about our product."

:(

"Sincerely, Shitty School CMS company thing"

"P.S. pig boners"

Anyway, how was the meeting?

Pig boners

The meeting was boring but all right, I just sent a goddamn angry email to ShittyCMS, and I have meetings at 1:30, 2:00 and 4:00

They should have to change their name to Shitty CMS Corp.

Their WYSIWYG text editor, which I'm forced to use, is changing straight quotes into " RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY GODDAMN EYES

If I ever sued a company, I would sue for damages and all that but I'd also put in that I would want for them to have to legally change their name to "Shit Co."

Might have trouble getting that one awarded

Yeah, probably.

But it would let them know you meant business.

Their business.

Was shit.

I want to write the world's worst fanfiction where Dan Brown and Stephenie Meyer (her parents couldn't spell properly) hook up

God I love this

"Over six feet tall, Becker moved across a squash court faster than any of his colleagues could comprehend. After soundly beating his opponent, he would cool off by dousing his head in a drinking fountain and soaking his tuft of thick, black hair. Then, still dripping, he'd treat his opponent to a fruit shake and a bagel."

What in the name of fuck.

Moist, giant ubermensch gives food to those he defeats in competition.

People love tripe

That's pretty bad, but not nearly as bad as Meyers' shitscrape scrawlings.

Yeah, Meyer really is a cut below the rest

It's like she's trying to be shite

STATUESQUE ADONIS

GLITTERING VAMPIRE SKIN

But yeah it's just completely lacking anything interesting

EVERY CHARACTER IS PERFECT

Yeah. It's like this very intense blandness.

It's aggressively dull.

When your characters are so plain that vampires can walk in the sun without ill effect, you need to reconsider your book

NOBODY HAS ANY PROBLEMS!

And then LET'S MAKE IT SEEM LIKE THERE ARE PROBLEMS BY MAKING EVERYONE ACT ALL ANGSTY

OVER STUFF THAT DOESN'T MATTER

NOTHING HAPPENS IN THIS BOOK

God, I'm so depressed. Life is just, like, too perfect, you know?

Yeah, my chiseled, godlike vampire boyfriend is just too awesome.

And I'm just too great.

It's just... it crushes me inside.

How could I possibly live with this?

Ugh!

I'm going to go play some Crouching Tiger Baseball.

Which I play perfectly.

Ughhh!

Only good things ever happen to me. What will I ever do?

Woe... woe is me.

"I'm going to give you a raise!" * goes home and cuts self *

I'm sometimes very troubled/depressed/disappointed in how much physical appearance plays a role in our procreation.

Once more important perhaps but it shouldn't be the gold standard for our species today

Exactly. And it's hard to say with a straight face or think with a straight mind that we're still selecting for, say, intelligence and other stuff when you think of just how much weight most people seem to give it.

But we're also, to some extent or another, hard-wired to select for appearance

You can only go against that so much

Right. It seems we're sort of evolved to be self-destructive.

DUMB AND PRETTY WINS THE RACE

THE HUMAN RACE

I don't know what it would take for human nature to fundamentally change

I don't know if it could

I think we'd have to start being born machines.

But then, we wouldn't really be human anymore at that point.

Exactly

As long as we're human, we're going to suck.

It's true

In god's own image!

God created man in his own image, therefore God is a real prick!

Oh wait that's original sin

Darn

Those religious have an answer for everything!

Ah, right.

Yeah, it's a really nicely interwoven thing. It recursively supports itself.

If only there were, y'know, positive things that had such similar grips on people.

Jews: officially retconning more shit than Marvel

The Bible really needs an Identity Crisis issue.

Or Crisis on Infinite Earths.

Seriously, can't we just reboot the franchise so it makes sense?

Yeah, really.

Seafood's okay now, but homosexuality isn't, for some arbitrary reason, even though they're like a page away from each other.

Cut your hair but don't be gay!

Even though the Bible says not to do either.

Sinner: "I don't know, I swear on my father's grave!"

Jesus:"SWEAR TO ME"

You know, that'd be kind of a fun project: Make the Bible consistent.

It'd either be really tolerant and loving or a total fucking ruthless doctrine of obsessive-compulsive, rigid awfulness.

But if you made it consistent it would be about six pages long

"In the beginning, nobody's quite sure what happened. And yea the Jews did wander in the desert for an unclear number of years. A guy named Jesus, who was descended from a bunch of people but we can't seem to agree upon who, died. The end"

"P.S. don't eat pork, unless you believe in Jesus, in which case do!"

Poor Jews :(

Missing out on pork

Fuck, ham

Haaaam

Honeybaked haaaam

God yes.

Pork tenderloin...

Pork shank...

Bacon!

Pork belly!

FFFUCK

Even if Judaism turned out to be the correct religion, I'd be all "no way, man... not while there's pork to be eaten!"

"I might be going to hell, but I had heaven on earth"

"Oooh, baby, do you know what pork's worth? Oooh, heaven is a food on earth"

Reports are that there were technical issues with the touch's camera so they're delaying the announcement

How can there be technical issues? It's an iPhone without a 3G antenna, basically.

And the iPhone already has a camera.

You'd think it'd be a bigger bitch getting it into the fuckin' Nano.

Now I could get a radio adapter for my car and play FM radio over my FM transmitter using the FM radio in my iPod!

BITCHIN!!!!

*wails on an air guitar* *does a skateboard flip over an old person*

THIS AIN'T YOUR DADDY'S CAR STEREO

I practically had my wallet open at 1pm

Now my asshole is clenched tight

Mine always is. It's a medical condition.

I imagine the buttsex is great!!!

It's ridiculous

There's a mic on that thing at least

Oh jesus it's horrible

The mic is on the headphones... but only for the 32 gig and 64 gig versions

That is totally assass.