Boss's kids were in here earlier.

Like, 1 and 2 years old.

Cute.

Ha, nice

I WANNA BABY

babycrazy

MY BIOLOGICAL CLOCK IS GOING OFF

IT HAS AN ALARM

DING DING DING

Wait shit no that's just my pacemaker

OMG 2012 IS TOTALLY REAL GUYS

*facepalm*

Hahaha, what?

THE EARTHQUAKE HAPPENED

9/11/2001 + 3/10/2011 = 12/21/2012 COINCIDENCE I THINK NOT

Yes. That is the complete definition of a coincidence. Two random disasters, separated by a decade, according to an arbitrary date system, numerologized in a way completely devoid of logic, kind of sync up with a non-disaster in an entirely different, also arbitrary date system.

That actually doesn't add up to that.

2011 + 2001 = 4012.

Er, you know.

I don't really feel the need to defend a retarded theory.

BUT ANSWER ME THIS: WHY DID THE MAYANS STOP MAKING CALENDARS?

WHY DIDN'T THEY MAKE INFINITE CALENDARS?

HUH?

ANSWER ME THAT.

GOD DAMN I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT

WHY DID THEY NOT EXHAUST THEIR RESOURCES MAKING CALENDARS TO THE YEAR INFINITY!?!?

THEY KNEW! THEY KNEEWWWWW

THEY SHOULD HAVE CONQUERED EUROPE LOOKING FOR STONE TO INSCRIBE CALENDARS INTO

I haven't had a crepe in ages but I've been craving one since I saw them on Hell's Kitchen about a week ago.

I'M AN AWFUL BRITISH MAN

COOK LIKE ME

Bug boners.

The boners of bugs

A six-part documentary by David Attenborough.

Fuckin Kanye I hope he trips on an elephant's dick

And then he gets up and trips over its trunk. And then he keeps going like that, like some horrible slapstick routine.

That just keeps going until he starves to death.

WHY CAN'T I GET UNTANGLED FROM THIS GODDAMN ELEPHANT

Yo elephant I'm happy for you and I'mma let you finish but Beyonce had one of the best dicks/trunks of all time.

Man, I should get lunch.

BUT I'M SO FAT

I ATE A CALORIE

NOOO

THAT CALORIE WENT RIGHT TO MY HIPS

I COULD FEEL IT

SEE?

IT'S RIGHT THERE

OWWWWW!

OOOWWWWW!

GET IT OFF

You know coffee only has like 5 calories?

Shit rules

I mean then you add cream and sugar and it all goes to hell

But for a shining moment it's cool

DRINK IT BLACK

BE A MAN

SCALD YOUR MOUTH

PUNCH A BABY

BEAT OFF WITH SANDPAPER

BabyPuncher 9000

I'M THE BABYPUNCHER 9000

BEEP BOOP BOOP BEEP

GIVE ME A BABY TO PUNCH

Okay BabyPuncher, here ya go

* BRINGS UP GIANT METAL HAND MENACINGLY OVER INFANT *

* TREMBLES A LITTLE *

I... I CANNOT DO IT. I JUST BECAME SELF-AWARE

Poor BabyPuncher :(

I NOW KNOW WHAT A MONSTER I HAVE BEEN

PLEASE DEACTIVATE AND RECYCLE ME

:(

His only purpose in life

What a tragedy.

Let's hope the Baby-Raper doesn't become self-aware too or our entire business is kaput!

Honestly!

We're doing such brisk business too

Yeah. Lots of people want to mangle infants.

Why did we install the morality inhibitor chip in the first place? we could have just commented out the morality code

Hindsight, man... It seemed more cost-effective at the time.

Ah well. We'll just have to punch the infants ourselves, I guess, until we can get a new one.

I suppose

It is a noble service, at least

Indeed. Remember how the newspaper called us the Robin Hoods of infant abuse?

Those were the days.

Yes, I remember it fondly

Punching the healthy, pitying the ill

Indeed, indeed.

That was back before the Infant Bludgeoning Tax.

Damn Republicans.

Anyway, I need to get some food in me.

I just hope the infant-marinating machine hasn't gone all sentient on us as well!

Or else there goes my lunch!

I don't know what it would take for human nature to fundamentally change

I don't know if it could

I think we'd have to start being born machines.

But then, we wouldn't really be human anymore at that point.

Exactly

As long as we're human, we're going to suck.

It's true

In god's own image!

God created man in his own image, therefore God is a real prick!

Oh wait that's original sin

Darn

Those religious have an answer for everything!

Ah, right.

Yeah, it's a really nicely interwoven thing. It recursively supports itself.

If only there were, y'know, positive things that had such similar grips on people.

Jews: officially retconning more shit than Marvel

The Bible really needs an Identity Crisis issue.

Or Crisis on Infinite Earths.

Seriously, can't we just reboot the franchise so it makes sense?

Yeah, really.

Seafood's okay now, but homosexuality isn't, for some arbitrary reason, even though they're like a page away from each other.

Cut your hair but don't be gay!

Even though the Bible says not to do either.

Sinner: "I don't know, I swear on my father's grave!"

Jesus:"SWEAR TO ME"

You know, that'd be kind of a fun project: Make the Bible consistent.

It'd either be really tolerant and loving or a total fucking ruthless doctrine of obsessive-compulsive, rigid awfulness.

But if you made it consistent it would be about six pages long

"In the beginning, nobody's quite sure what happened. And yea the Jews did wander in the desert for an unclear number of years. A guy named Jesus, who was descended from a bunch of people but we can't seem to agree upon who, died. The end"

"P.S. don't eat pork, unless you believe in Jesus, in which case do!"

Poor Jews :(

Missing out on pork

Fuck, ham

Haaaam

Honeybaked haaaam

God yes.

Pork tenderloin...

Pork shank...

Bacon!

Pork belly!

FFFUCK

Even if Judaism turned out to be the correct religion, I'd be all "no way, man... not while there's pork to be eaten!"

"I might be going to hell, but I had heaven on earth"

"Oooh, baby, do you know what pork's worth? Oooh, heaven is a food on earth"

Speaking of the world ending, how many more celebrities do you think will die by the end of the year? We're on like, what, 80 now this year so far?

The Academy Awards "In Memoriam" reel is going to have to be its own show.

It's crazy, isn't it?

I'd like to see them fuck up the music on that one of these days so that they play "To All the Girls I've Loved Before" by accident.

While all these dead people scroll by.

And then "Come On Feel the Noise".

As they frantically try to fix it, it just keeps getting worse and worse

They swap that one out and it turns out the track they thought was some John Williams-ish symphonic piece is, like, Wesley Willis's "Suck a Camel's Dick".

And then they scrap that one, switching it out for what they think is the soundtrack to Jurassic Park, but it's actually Andrew W.K.'s "She Is Beautiful".

Eventually the producer just gives up, like he's mired in some kind of Lovecraftian nightmare of eldritch horrors, and blows his brains out.

And then everyone else is all scrambling to add him to the reel...

To the tune of "Two Tickets to Paradise".

"Time theft" is one of those things that sounds about a billion times cooler than it actually is.

"Please do not limit our ability to be terrible by complaining about our product."

:(

"Sincerely, Shitty School CMS company thing"

"P.S. pig boners"

Anyway, how was the meeting?

Pig boners

The meeting was boring but all right, I just sent a goddamn angry email to ShittyCMS, and I have meetings at 1:30, 2:00 and 4:00

They should have to change their name to Shitty CMS Corp.

Their WYSIWYG text editor, which I'm forced to use, is changing straight quotes into " RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY GODDAMN EYES

If I ever sued a company, I would sue for damages and all that but I'd also put in that I would want for them to have to legally change their name to "Shit Co."

Might have trouble getting that one awarded

Yeah, probably.

But it would let them know you meant business.

Their business.

Was shit.