Why isn't The Hulk a way more lame character?

You'd think it'd be Bruce Banner chilling in the JLA, then Lex Luthor threatens a hostage or something, and he's all, "This is a situation that needs to be dealt with, but it's not like I'm enraged about it." So he's powerless.

Then he reads a news story about Deepwater Horizon or something and breaks his easy chair because he weighs 900 pounds now.

Personally, I think that would be a more interesting character to read about.

Though, maybe he keeps around a story about Deepwater Horizon and stuff just so he can get pissed off.

Also, Lex Luthor is DC and Hulk is Marvel. :P

Oh... durr.

But I like that!

I guess Hulk would not be in the JLA, then.

Yeah, probably not.

Maybe in a sane world.

But yeah, I can imagine him keeping, like, a wallet full of enraging shit around.

Like how people carry photos of their children and stuff.

Only he has, like, a news article about the Deepwater Horizon and how BP has been basically covering up how shitty the cleanup effort is going...

And like some Asian lady stomping on a kitten...

Photos of oil-covered animals...

That's like cheating though.

Eventually he'd be like, "I realize I'm only manipulating myself. I'm not actually angry about this anymore."

Then he'll be shopping at a supermarket and realize exactly what he's become, and he'll crush the box of Cheerios he was holding and knock down aisles 4-9.

He has a midget that comes around and punches him in the balls.

And then scurries into a titanium-enforced room.

All that does is turns him into a 900 pound green strong man who's also curled up on the floor in the fetal position.

"I DON'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY"

"HULK HAVE PROBLEM"

"HULK HURT PEOPLE HULK LOVE MOST!"

A daytime talk show co-hosted by the Hulk and Bizarro.

ME WOULD LIKE YOU WHEN HAPPY

"Your grammar displeases me, Bizarro."

OUR LAST GUEST TODAY AM NOT SARAH JESSICA PARKER

"I FUCKING HATE SEX AND THE CITY"

He throws her through the wall.

DO NOT JOIN US NEXT WEEK WHEN WE NOT KILL ANDY DICK

"OUR NEXT GUEST AM NOT JENNIFER HATE HEWITT."

And then Jennifer Hate Hewitt comes out and all she can say is "JENNIFER... HATE... HEWITT!"

Produced by Dead Andy Kaufman

And then they all take turns punching each other.

And then the handlers come in and give him a reinforced chair (which you'd think they'd have had in the first place, but they don't, for dramatic effect)...

I think more than that, I just like the idea of Bruce Banner having an amiable conversation with Bizarro.

And then the discussion continues with both of them growing increasingly enraged.

Yeah, some episodes run like that.

Bizarro's lesser-known cousin, Bazaaro. "THIS PASHMINA SCARF NOT FOR SALE! I DRIVE PRICE DOWN TO $2.99!"

The Incredible Hulk's lesser-known cousin, The Credible Hulk. He bulks up a little bit, to totally believable extents, and remains the same color.

"That guy is pretty believably strong."

"Better watch out! Now I can bench press 400 pounds!"

"Credible Hulk, I would trust you with my Social Security Number."

"I'd like to call my next witness to the stand: The Credible Hulk."

Gasps

They swear him in and then whack him with the Bible so that he gets a little bit pissed off, and bulks up to totally believable amounts.

"I THOUGHT YOU WANTED AN EXPERT WITNEEEESSSS!!!!"

A.k.a. The Plausible Hulk

And then he rages so hard that he accidentally pops his top collar button.

"Ugh, I thought I told you guys, I'm far less personable when I'm upset."

"I'm so ANGRY right now! I'm... I'm pretty darn steamed!"

"You'd probably like me slightly less when I'm angry!"

But he gets over it pretty quickly.

The Empathetic Hulk

"I realize I'm the size and color of a dump truck... but I understand why you had to murder Batman's parents."

The Predictable Hulk

"Hey! Hey! Look at him, he's gettin' angry! He'll probably shout that lame catchphrase again!"

Or, like, the Anti-Hulk.

"You would like me very much when I'm angry."

"In fact, you may fall in love."

You piss him off and he gets smaller and more attractive.

"You've truly angered me. Would you like a cup of tea? Perhaps I could drop off your mail for you?"

"If you want, I'd totally give you oral with not even any implication that I might even consider wanting reciprocation of any sort."

"My grandmother passed away and left me her fortune, but even though you just killed my wife, I'd like for you to have it all."

"Please, kill my child, too!"

"If it will make you happy."

He just keeps throwing family members at them to kill, the angrier he gets.

"TAKE ALL MY BELONGINGS! THEY ARE YOURS!"

He's like a self-fueling rage machine.

"WOULD YOU LIKE A BACK MASSAGE?!?!????!"

"CAN I POUR YOU SOME TEA?!???! GIVE YOU A FOOTRUB!?!?!?!??!? WOULD YOU LIKE TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE!?!/??!??!?!?"

"Look man, all I said was it looks like you were having a bad hair day."

"HERE! MY WALLET! YOURS!"

"HERE'S A KNIFE! YOU CAN STAB ME IF YOU LIKE!!!"

And then there's The Incredible Sulk.

You get him mad and he just huffs off to his bedroom.

All passive-aggressively slamming the door.

He'll occasionally shout "YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!"

He's 15 years old.

He gets really big but not really all that muscular... he mostly increases in size just so that his stifled sniffling can be that much louder.

And he gets awkward erections.

SO THE INCREDIBLE SULK, THEN, IS JUST LIKE ME, IS WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.