*drowning*

I've been drinking way too much coffee lately.

It makes me have to piss basically incessantly from, say, 11AM to about 4PM.

Probably forty gallons over the course of that period of time. I don't know how.

Maybe a hundred.

Gallons.

Hahah.

No, really, it's like thirty. Which is nothing, considering the volume that flows through the Manhattan sewer system on any given day.

[experts actually place the estimate of my urine output at about 300 gallons a day]

That's about average.

James Cameron and Kevin Costner are actually coming here so that they can figure out how to better deal with my urine.

Of course, the obvious solution is to just not drink so damn much coffee in the first place.

Because I might end up becoming dependent on it to remain energetic throughout the day.

Indeed.

At this point it's probably not even providing any perk at all.

But you're probably just struggling to get back to your baseline.

Indeed.

I mean, there ARE alternative methods of attaining energy in the morning.

And they're a lot more effective and better for my body.

Bananas!

(Eating a small breakfast to set my metabolism to proper levels, for instance, so that my body doesn't think that it needs to rest.)

Right.

But I don't want to stop drinking coffee. I mean, coffee is so readily available at all times -- why should I change my routine?

You shouldn't.

Routine is God.

I'd have to build an entirely new breakfast infrastructure.

It would be costly.

And besides, scientists still haven't figured out conclusively whether coffee is a diuretic.

At least, a couple scientists. 99.9% of them say that it is, in fact, a diuretic. Which means more urine.

I have absolutely figured out conclusively that coffee is a diuretic and a laxative.

But that's just anecdotal! There have been people who have drank coffee and not urinated or defecated afterward for HOURS.

What about them? Don't they prove that coffee ISN'T a diuretic?

Look, if coffee really is a diuretic, then why doesn't everyone who drinks coffee immediately piss their pants?

500 scientists sign petition saying that coffee is not necessarily a diuretic.

(None of them are coffee scientists.)

So for right now, I see no reason to reduce my coffee consumption. If anything, I should INCREASE it. I'll drink all the coffee. In fact, I'll drink YOUR coffee -- I'll drink it up!

Today in Obvious Metaphors.

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