Fuck modern computers I'm gonna haul in an old Apple IIgs tomorrow morning and do all my graphics work in Fantavision

Mario Paint that shit gold, man.

"Yo, I know you guys wanted a calendar graphic... but check it out! I transposed "Never Gonna Give You Up" with goombas and mushrooms!"

Dude our office is out of good coffee. I think I'm gonna go get a nice big heapin cuppa shit coffee from the caf

Delicious.

Just pay some homeless dude to take a dump in your mouth.

It'd taste about the same!

And would probably be cheaper!

It's true!

Word up!

Word to your mother!

Make her reach for it!

Put it up high!

Word up!

* raises da roof *

That rules

Incorrect! Stilton is a cheese. 19% of people get stumped on that.

I am functionally retarded regarding cheeses

Cheesetarded

Brietarded.

More like.

HEY HEY

*kills self*

There's also: http://steakhouseorgaybar.com/

If you think about it, steakhouses and gay bars are pretty similar

They're both meat markets

And whenever I go to one I tend to stab and eat whatever I can see.

Fuck i'm so fucking hungry

Order two pizzas.

I want bagels and crullers and burritos and enchiladas and hummus and falafel and chicken tikkaaaaaa

With all of that on them.

Fuck yeah

I'm an American

I'M A MAN! * chew * I'M A MAN! * chomp *

*runs a cheesegrater over chest for no apparent reason*

*tracks down and then punches the nearest woodland animal, which turns out to be a duck*

Oh no :(

Not a duck

:(

I'm sad too.

LITE UP ITS 320

Hell yeah!

TIME TO SMOKE CRACK

Smoke Marlboro Reds every day

Well, we took that in two different directions, didn't we

SMOKE MEATS EVERY DAY

Fuck yes

Smoke meat

e v e r y d a y

A delicious addiction

AND IT GIVES YOU THE MUNCHIES

THE MORE MEAT YOU EAT, THE MORE YOU WANT TO EAT

Meena's birthday is coming up and she kinda wanted an iPod touch

wtf is she supposed to do now

That's not what i'm getting for her but her parents wanted to know

Get her a Nano instead!!!!!!!

Haha, exactly

I don't give presents for people's birthdays. I give insults.

Just tell her she's fat.

For her birthday.

"You're another year older! And i'm calling you fat, yeah! Older and fatter!"

"Happy birthday!"

"Who wants cake?" *eyes her angrily/suspiciously*

"If you cry, I swear to GOD I'm going to punch you in the ear."

Worst birthday ever

"And that is my present to you. A terrible birthday. So that next year's will be even BETTER!"

I want to make a cat robot.

A robot that basically has the same mental processes as a cat.

It'd have little visual sensors and things that would track movement and then it'd investigate the movement and if it decided that the movement was small and rapid enough it would pursue said movement.

I also want to genetically engineer a creature that tries to kill itself when it gets hungry.

So that you basically have to always feed it or it'll try to break its own neck.

I'd let it die.

It'd be like it gets its wires crossed for "extraordinarly depressed and suicidal" and "a bit peckish".

Reports are that there were technical issues with the touch's camera so they're delaying the announcement

How can there be technical issues? It's an iPhone without a 3G antenna, basically.

And the iPhone already has a camera.

You'd think it'd be a bigger bitch getting it into the fuckin' Nano.

Now I could get a radio adapter for my car and play FM radio over my FM transmitter using the FM radio in my iPod!

BITCHIN!!!!

*wails on an air guitar* *does a skateboard flip over an old person*

THIS AIN'T YOUR DADDY'S CAR STEREO

I practically had my wallet open at 1pm

Now my asshole is clenched tight

Mine always is. It's a medical condition.

I imagine the buttsex is great!!!

It's ridiculous

There's a mic on that thing at least

Oh jesus it's horrible

The mic is on the headphones... but only for the 32 gig and 64 gig versions

That is totally assass.

He's flagshipping the nano

And they're adding an fm radio??? Did anyone give a shit???

"NOW WITH OGG SUPPORT!!!" *linux user cums* *no one else cares*

Maybe his liver is like one of those stories where a person's transplanted organs turn them into someone else.

It has a fucking pedometer

The iPod

Has a pedometer

It's like a joke.

Clutching to any desperate hope I have that I can hurl hundreds of dollars at this company

Dude, no cameras on ipod touches

Just more space, $20 cheaper

w

t

f

We are really lucky today to have Norah Jones

Audience gasps

"Don't know why I didn't come"

"Maybe because I don't give a shit about any of these announcements."

IPOD NANO, THE NEW BIG THING

Welcome to 2003!

Does that mean we're invading Iraq again?

WAIT HOLY SHIT WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'RE STILL OVER THERE

Jesus all they're doing is talking about games

13 minutes left

What a worthless event

Whaoaoaoaoo Assassin's Creed

NFL 10

omg

omg

NFL 10

Madden

Expectations were obv far too high

The annual ipod event

And the crowd responds with a resounding "who gives a fuck"

FIRST THERE WAS GENIUS

THEN THERE WAS ITUNES DJ

NOW

GENIUS DJ

HOLY FUCKS

YOU'RE JOKING

JUST WHAT I ALWAYS WANTED FROM APPHOLE

Holy shit

Steve jobs, on stage

Talking about his new liver

That he ripped out of the body of some 20-year old

I want that to be the entire hour

I don't want him to talk about iPods

Apple Liver Update

"I ate a piece of it. I asked my doctor and she was reluctant at first but eventually complied."

"I also promptly celebrated my successful surgery by inventing a new cocktail and downing 20 of them"

"I soak my liver in pure alcohol."

"I don't care about life."

"I actually hired the kid to get in a car accident, just so i could harvest his liver"

Why is IE8 such a cuntbag?

iTunes 9

I'm picturing it wailing that and slamming the door.

"IE8, why are you being such a bitch?" *IE8 glares at you from its doorway as though you are just beyond reason in a horrifying way* "ITUNES 9!!!" *IE8 slams its bedroom door*

Dude

Dude

Ok

You know how "Jackhole" is a great word, right?

Besides sounding fantastic, it's jackass + asshole, right?

What if you switched it around the other way?

"Hey assass! Fuck you assass!"

People don't understand the goddamn internet

JUST THROW EVERYTHING ON THE INTERNET, NO DON'T ORGANIZE IT, IT'S OKAY I KNOW WHERE EVERYTHING GOES

jeuss people don't even knwo proproep grammar and psleeling pasdfj;aleit240394

You should watch Are You Smarter Than a Fifth Grader on Hulu.

I don't want to have the desire to murder everybody

Makes me feel like I'm some kind of ubermensch or something, like I'm the result of some kind of government genius project.

I feel that show would have me lose all faith in people

Well, the thing of it is, the kids are really smart.

So there's hope there.

What happens?

Is it just that when you hit 13 you become retarded? and maybe you get out of it maybe you don't?

Though admittedly a few of the questions are a bit tricky, like "Thomas Jefferson died the same day as what other U.S. President?"

Like, bits of obscure trivia.

But some people get stumped on, like, "What is the absolute value of 9?"

Or "What word in this sentence is the noun?"

Shit wasn't that Adams?

Yeah, it was.

And... 9? That's almost so easy I wouldn't believe I was being asked

Yeah. Some are so easy they seem like tricks. "Ag is the symbol for which element on the Periodic Table?"

Silver?

Yeah.

Fuck yeah

I'm already feeling better about myself

See?

But it's kind of amazing how shitty some people are at thinking. But then... you see these fifth graders who get the questions right and it's like "well, there's hope..."

FIFTH GRADERS FOR PRESIDENT

IMPEACH OBAMA

ELECT MALIA OBAMA

MS CORCORAN'S FIFTH GRADE CLASS 2012