UNIRONICALLY CALL MY CAT "PAL" AND "BUDDY" #isfromthe50s #lame-o #possiblepederast

Jesus christ.

I really don't know who to be most disappointed in, here.

IT'S DISAPPOINTMENT ALL THE WAY DOWN

^BASICALLY MY SELF-ESTEEM

Same here!

I should train to swallow swords but then just increasing the size of whatever I'm swallowing so that I can get a shotgun in there and then get a sawed-off shotgun and slide it all the way down my throat and pull the trigger and die.

:(

:shobon:

That would be the most horrific way to not die, if you survived.

SUP ROOMIE. YEAH, BASICALLY BLEW OUT MY LOWER GI TRACT WITH A SHOTGUN, FROM THE INSIDE, SEVERED MY LAST SEVEN VERTEBRAE TOO. WHAT'S THAT? YOU'VE GOT APPENDICITIS? TOTAL BUMMER, MAN.

There is nothing more tedious than the sort of task where you have to make the fuck, I got bored just trying to explain it.

I wish there were a great bluetooth mouse.

Not too many buttons, good form factor, fucking bluetooth.

I wish there were a great ANYthing.

:(

EVERYTHING TERRIBLE IS

(SOV)

HAPPY SOVDAY

"EVERYTHING TERRIBLE IS!" - YODA

"NOOOOOOT!" - BORAT

Soviet Russia in, Subject You Verbs!

(That might be true.)

In Soviet Russia, Yoda speaks perfect English.

Not really doing anything tomorrow or Wednesday.

SITTING ALONE AT HOME AND CRYING MOST LIKELY.

CRYING: IT'S PRODUCTIVE

CRYING: IT'S REPRODUCTIVE

*Sometimes

*Usually

Sexual Intercourse

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Signs and Symptoms

*Crying

Gross.

Haha, a cat drinking from a bottle?

But… cute. :shobon:

Yeah, kind of.

EWWW, A CAT GETTING SUSTENANCE!

I don't know, it's just... strange. Like walking in on someone jerking off. "I guess it's natural."

I don't know. I mean, I don't get grossed out by cats eating or by people drinking milk or babies drinking from bottles or breasts or whatever. I feel like it's a little different than walking in on someone beating off in that it's like... you don't need to beat off to live, really, unless you're me and you have that terrible condition.

I don't get grossed out by any of those either. It might be because the cat's on his back.

"Look at my asshole as I unnaturally feed myself with this human implement."

"I HAVE ADAPTED TO USE YOUR TECHNOLOGY, HUMAN. SOON I WILL DOMINATE YOUR WORLD."

Jesus fuck, it costs $15 to deliver flowers?

Haha, damn.

$30 on a Saturday!

Eat my poop.

That's retarded.

What're you doing?

Or, rather, trying to do?

Send flowers to my folks for Easter.

Gotcha.

Hrmm.

Maybe just mail them a bunch of Peeps from Amazon?

CRAPPY EASTER MOM AND DAD!!!

HAPPY EASTER! HERE'S SUGARY SHIT THAT TASTES AWFUL. TRY MICROWAVING IT!

Have basically just sugar. Enjoy the diabetes!

I'M DIABEATING OFF

Google are kind of experts at ruining shit they've perfected.

What have they done this time?

Analytics, most notably benchmarking.

They removed it; it was rather valuable.

Weird.

And the layout is argh.

EDIT ACCOUNT SETTING WHERE

:suicides:

To edit account settings: 1) Kill yourself 2) When given the choice between heaven and hell, choose "hell" 3) Spend eons fighting your way to the ninth circle 4) Edit your account settings from the control panel in the frozen lake.

NOTE: You will be irreversibly dead. Google QA is currently working on a fix for this issue.

FYI (you might already know): There's a Men's Wearhouse on 34th between 5th and 6th.

Ah, yeah.

Spotted that recently.

Wordo, birdo.

Birdo.

*shoots an egg out of my nose*

OH GOD THAT'S FUCKING PAINFUL

Hah, I like how if you google "wtf has obama done" the first result is from Cracked.

Did you check out the 60 Minutes interview?

I didn't!

I heard it was good.

It was brilliant, particularly on part of the interviewer. The only thing I didn't like was that he used a lot of "multiforked" questions, which allowed Obama to avoid answering some of the more difficult ones.

E.g., he didn't have to answer, "Did you tell Michelle [about the raid and bin Laden before it happened]?"

Not exactly the most important question to answer, granted, but I'm interested to know. I think I'd tell in that case.

Maybe that makes me a bad president.

But the rest of the interview was completely brilliantly structured.

Not at all. You need someone to confide in, and it's not like she's going to go blabbing it to all her carrots or something.

Headline: MOST QUALIFIED PRESIDENT IN CENTURIES BELEAGUERED BY SCHIZOPHRENIC FIRST LADY

"lol" at some guy complaining on Facebook that his baccalaureate Mass is scheduled for 9:30 am on Saturday, which means it doesn't count for weekend mass and he'd have to go again. But if it were at 4:30, it would have counted. Two things: 4:30 is not, especially in May, "After sundown," which means that 4:30 Saturday mass wouldn't "count" for the weekend any more than a 10:30 am mass would. And second, if you're so goddamn devout anyway, shouldn't you be pleased about the opportunity to worship again?

Hahahaha. Christ.

Literally Christ!

People are fucked up.

Yeah.

"I love Jesus! I just want to literally never think about him or act in a way he would have approved of."

Heh, post from Conan O'Brien on Facebook about how Judd Apatow is letting his kids say "shit" and if other people don't like it, they can just deal with it. I think that's going to be my philosophy, too, just as long as my kids are using "shit" effectively, especially for maximal humor effect.

That's pretty much what Meena and I were thinking, with the caveat of "not around grandma and grandpa or your teachers and don't curse at your parents."

(Different from "don't curse around your parents.)

I kinda don't care if they curse at me. I'm sure I probably deserve it if they do.

Hahaha, the fuck? No.

Kids are evil.

"I CAN'T EAT CHOCOLATE ALL DAY? FUCK YOU, DAD"

It's the same thing as "don't talk back," though.

I'll just have a witty retort ready! Treat your children like hecklers at your stand-up show.

#lifehacks

I'm going to be strict as shit toward my kids.

But lovingly!

"I LOVE YOU SO MUCH!" *slaps them lightly on the mouth*

They'll just have a lot of rules.

No allowance, but I'll pay them a couple bucks for mowing the lawn and shit once they're old enough.

I think I'll have more of a "spirit of the law vs letter of the law" thing going on.

I'll probably be more letter of the law. Kids are idiots, and more than that, loophole-finding idiots.

Half an hour of video games means half an hour of video games.

In my house, ain't nobody getting any toys until I get at LEAST a three-star blowjob.

(Kidding, for fuck's sake, ugh.)

Why isn't child molestation referred to as "kidding"?

Hahahah. Just kidding!

Happily, kids are a long ways off.

1) Expensive, and 2) Scare the shit out of me.

Hahaha. Yes.

Fuck kids.

I mean, not literally.

But...

GAH.

Kidding!

"I kid, I kid."

I want to read a screenplay, written in 2011, that features a rapping granny.

Bahaha, good god I originally misread it as "raping".

Speaking of good things in the world, have you ever seen Bob's Burgers?

I haven't.

It's a funny show. Smart and retarded.

Also that chick from Flight of Concordia does one of the voices.

Kristin Schaal or however you spell her name?

Yes! That's it.

I could only come up with "Wiig."

I always put on a Wiig whenever I wear my Schaal.

Holy Jesus I'm going to make you wear a crown.

And carry a sign around that says INRI (Latin initials for, translated, THIS IS JOSHUA, KING OF THE PUNS)

Q: WHAT'S BLACK AND WHITE AND RED ALL OVER!?

A: THAT ONE HOMELESS GUY

#BETTERKIDSJOKES

Q: WHY DID THE CHICKEN CROSS THE ROAD?

A: MOM IS DEAD

Just had to do a quick mental check to remember if your mom is dead or not.

I wish these keynotes had less dick-waggling.

WE ARE GODS

THERE ARE LITERALLY MORE APPS THAN STARS IN THE UNIVERSE

STEVE JOBS PULLS OUT HIS DICK, WHICH IS LITERALLY MADE OF APP SALES AND IS 85 INCHES LONG WHEN FLACCID

I really would love, love, love to own a huge plot of land in my lifetime. Like, ten square miles. Unnnnnnngh.

Maybe ten square miles would be a bit much. But one square mile?

Ten square miles is reasonable.

Really?

Yeah, sure.

It'd be a lot to take care of, although most of it would be wooded.

I'd have a path winding through most of the woods, as well. Kind of like a fitness trail.

Yeah, figured it'd be mostly wooded/unkempt.

You'd have to worry a bit about wildlife.

How so?

Well, bears and stuff.

Wandering on.

Wolves, whatever. Depends on where it is.

Hahaha, seriously, am I in Alaska? I know Jersey has bears, but most places, you know.

May have to carry a gun or something as you walk around.

Hahaha, what?

"I'M GOING OUTSIDE, HONEY! WISH ME LUCK IN THIS BEAST-PLAGUED WORLD OF 2011"

Hah, there were bears in the Upper Peninsula, too.

There are also mountain lions, coyotes, various kinds of snakes, all kinds of shit.

If you're west of the Rocky Mountains, you'll bump into some mountain lions.

Where the fuck am I buying this land?!

Anywhere in America?

I'm thinking, like, Pennsylvania-ish.

Unless it's like 10 square miles in Queens or something.

HELLO, THOUSANDS OF PEOPLE. I, CHARLES APPLETON, DECLARE EMINENT DOMAIN OVER ALL OF QUEENS

True.

I've just spent enough time in the woods and all I've ever seen was some deer, from a distance, that the concept of "big game" is foreign to me.

But cognitively I must concede that you are correct.

It's not even the big stuff. Poisonous snakes and things can wander onto the trail...

And sure you can go the other way, but...

S'true.

I don't mind.

I'll keep my drinking within 50 feet of the house.

No matter where I live — assuming it's a house — I'd definitely welcome wildlife. Bats, birds, bees, etc. especially.

I'd probably construct a Smoke Monster Fence.

Bring in the wildlife I want, keep out the wildlife I don't want, turn on the fence.

YOU ARE TRAPPED.

I'm watching Miss America contestants talk about whether evolution should be taught in schools. I need to stop watching this and watching the news or I'm going to just depress myself into total paralysis.

Ahahahahaha no no.

Recap for me.

I want to know.

Well, half of them are like "well it's just a theory" and "I don't think you should" and shit, and then there are some who are like "they should teach BOTH because they're competing theories!" and then the ones who agree it should be taught don't get the point of what science actually is or the real reasons why it should be taught...

I just want to die.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UkBmhM0R2A0 If you want to kill yourself.

Tell me about that last group.

The ones who are right for the wrong reasons.

Mostly it's just that they consider it a belief.

Did anyone actually get it "right?"

One person from New Mexico.

I hope she won.

Haha me too!

"Just a theory"

Yeah.

*sigh*

I'm almost crying.

Like, I'm on the verge of despair-induced tears.

It's probably not worth it.

I want someone to force a grenade down my throat with a wooden spoon.

Or like the handle of a plunger.

That's a terrible idea.

"I think evolution should be taught in schools only because it's a great subject to touch base on."

She didn't even answer at all.

That's a non-answer.

"Hey, George, can you stop by my office around 10? I'd love to just touch base on evolution."

It would be so nice if services could pull back the notifications they push.

I have Twitter on two computers, my iPad, and my phone. I should only need to read an @message on one device to mark it as read.

Agreed.

IT'D BE EVEN COOLER IF I COULD JUST DIE ALREADY

That would be the coolest.

Steve Jobs: Thank you for joining me today. Today, we're releasing something that will change all of your lives. *sarin gas begins seeping into the auditorium*

Http://www.amazon.com/3-Man-Chess/dp/B004FX4TYG/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1305743454&sr=8-1 [A Three-Man Chess Set]

Think I might get one. Maybe.

Not sure who the hell would also play with us though.

Surprisingly in the "affordable" range.

Shame if anything should… happe*GETS SHOT BY A THOUSAND FBI TROPPERS*

STROMSHIP TROPPERS

I would really, really like to watch STROMSHIP TROPPERS

ACE VENTURA, PET DETECTOR

"Ma'am… you have… pets."

*talks out of butt*

I was thinking he'd just emit a loud sound ventriloquized through his butt whenever a dog was around.

"BEEEEEEEEEEP!"

Were you telling me that you have Tina Fey's book?

I have Bossypants.

I ALSO HAVE TINA FEY'S NEWEST BOOK, HEYOOOOHHHHHHH

SOMEBODY STOP ME!

No literally someone stop me.

-jim carey in a car with no brakes

I'm upset. A couple weeks ago I got a prompt on Xbox Live asking if I want my Gold membership to auto-renew, and I said "No." Then today I got an email saying my auto-renewal was successful.

Nice!

PSN, you get your account info hacked. Xbox Live, you auto-renew against your will!

#wii4lyfe

PC Gaming for the win.

TOOK THAT IN OPPOSITE DIRECTIONS

"The Miami Dolphins kick the ball and… they recover the onside kick! But wait, what's this? Dmoro Uganzu is carrying the ball back to the Dolphins' end zone?! SAFETY, Philadelphia Eagles!!!"

:it is a sports analogy:

Black:white::Wii gaming::PC gaming

Er... black:white::Wii gaming:PC gaming

TOO MANY COLONS

(That's the tagline of the Human Centipede sequel.)

:rimjob:

I MEAN

:rimshot:

Say "referrer" out loud ten times.

Sounds like a weedwhacker.

The Rural Juror

Rural Juror Referrer

Who comes up with these words.

I want them on my desk by 9 am!!!

Nice words. Shame if anything should… happen to them.

*tears them out of the dictionary and dangles them over a pool of molten lead*

The last visible word before the entire page is lost to the flames is "thumbs-up."

Nice comment.

Think I'll take it.

"Shame if anything should… happen to it."

One of the best phrases to use inappropriately.

Agreed.

"Oooh, nice tie! Shame if anything should… happen to it."

"I got a job! Shame if anything should… happen to it."

Or: "Nice job, mate! Shame if anything should… happen to it."

Crocodile Indie

"That's not a knife! This is a knife" *pulls out a knife that no one's ever heard of*

H U L K A M A N I A

H U L K U N A M A T A T A

DREW CAREY NEWS:

*crickets*

I like that better.

BUT:

1) He's lost a shitload of weight and looks like an old person 2) He might be running a half marathon 3) He's doing a new improv show.

I feel like today's going to be another one of those "basically everything just makes me want to be dead" days.

Hahahaha.

Why?

Sorry chap. My fault?

Hah, no. I just need to stop watching the news, I think.

I feel like I was happier when I wasn't watching the Daily Show.

Because while it's funny and brings 22 minutes of mirth and laughter…

It drags along this huge glut of depression as well.

It's like going to a bar and you see this really cute girl and she's like "hey let's have sex, I'm into all the same sex stuff you are so it'll be awesome!" and you're like "cool" and then she's like "oh but if we do you have to basically spend the rest of tomorrow having sex with my horrible fat greedy bitch friend who had her face surgically altered to resemble Babe from that movie. You know, the one with the pig."

And it's like "welp."

I haven't seen TDS in ages.

It's good… it's just… ugh.

What's the News?

Basically Republicans and conservatives in general continue to be lying cunts trying to manipulate idiots into voting against their own interests and increasing the gap in the distribution of wealth. And — the worst part of it — succeeding.

Also, old people are probably going to die.

Ah. Status quo, then.

Because they can't afford healthcare, because Republicans' economic roadmap involves destroying Medicare and MedicAid and basically any sort of government-provided healthcare.

This, hilariously, after they said "ObamaCare" will kill your grandma.

If old people die early maybe we can finally start winning some key issue votes :haw:

Haha, yeah, there is that.

Old people need to just stop voting.

Let em kill themselves.

Democracy: Gives you the right to punch yourself in the eye!

If they can't even vote to ensure their survival, I mean, obviously they don't know what the fuck they're doing.

Pretty much, yep.

I think in that kind of situation you should just be prevented from voting.

Or you should just be herded into a suicide booth.

"Are you about to vote to remove your own access to healthcare? Y/N?" circles "Y" "Okay, cool." floor slides open into pit of spikes and fire and acid

HUNDREDS OF MILLIONS DIE IN RIDICULOUSLY SELF-DESTRUCTIVE ACT OF RETARDATION

I mean, that's essentially what that vote does.

They should at least allow us to euthanize ourselves if we don't have access to proper healthcare.

AMERICA: LAND OF THE LONG, DRAWN-OUT TORTURE

IN 2101, WARGASM WAS BEGINNING

WARGASMS STARRING MATTHEW BRODERICK

WOULD YOU LIKE TO PLAY A GAME ;)

GLOBAL SPERMONUCLEAR WAR

"Mister President, we've got a warning that the Russians have just… cum."

"Gentlemen… take us to DEFCONDOM 5."

Fuck Jack Nicholson.

Yeah?

Yeah.

What a shitty Joker.

And to this day he still gets praised for that performance.

Jesus fuck Michael Keaton and Jack Nicholson team up to make a super-shit movie!

"How can we 80s the fuck out of Batman? I know, let's put a curly-haired eunuch in the Batsuit, and try to contain an ego the size of a small planet inside a purple women's pant suit."

Sorry. I get really upset about Batman (1989 film).