This woman's name is Gina Sinz.

Someone should have told her that she didn't need to make her porn name legal...

Bahahaha, right next to her in the directory is Gina Saint.

Someone get me a top, I need to make sure I'm in the real world.

I'm going to use the slow cooker tomorrow.

Chicken breasts, salsa, spices, and a bottle of cough syrup.

Did it hurt when you fell? Because you're walking so goddamn slow I'm just assuming you broke a hip.

If I told you you had a nice body, would you believe my lies?

"Someone call heaven, they're missing an angel. You know, one of those weird-looking lion-faced ones that spit swords made of fire and melt your face if you look at them."

"Are your legs tired? Because you've been running through a briar patch full of brambles and twigs that make you ugly when they touch you, it looks like."

"...all day."

There's something wrong with my cell phone… When I was using it so obviously in front of you, you were supposed to leave.

We should go to bars and not pick up women.

Yes.

Actually, this kind of shit apparently works on some women.

Yeah, I wonder if they would interpret it as "the neg."

"No −- christ, come on, get off me. I'm married, jesus, stop it."

Like a yappy dog or something.

"Do you want to go out and get some pizza and have sex? No? What, did you think I was actually serious? I'd rather just fuck the pizza."

"Nice shoes."

"..."

"Nice shoes. Wanna use them to walk the fuck away from me?"

"You look like you have a little Irish in you. No? Well, do you want some? The bathrooms are full and your mouth looks like a toilet."

"That dress looks great on you, but it'd look better on my floor. So I'm going to take you back to my place and throw some water at you because you look like the Wicked Witch of the West in the Wizard of Oz. I have a collection of discarded witch dresses on my floor."

"Do you wash your pants with Windex? Because you probably should, because they smell like shit and literally anything would be an improvement."

"You must be one hell of a thief because you obviously stole your face from a horse."

"Where have you been all my life? Can you please go back there forever?"

*points at her crotch* "Do you come here often? Because you look like you probably don't even have functioning genitalia."

Imagine saying that to someone.

"Do you sleep on your stomach? 'Cause I thought whales usually did that."

"Hey, shouldn't you be trying to kill yourself by violently hurling your 30-ton body onto the beach?"

"How did you even get past the bouncer?"

"Which is easier? You getting into those tight pants, or getting you out of them? Because I bet it takes, like, a team of horses to pry your fat, lardy ass out of those things. Buy some pants that fit you."

"Is your last name Gillette? Because I could probably shave with your fucking strangely angular face."

"What do you and the weather have in common? Everybody's talking about how terrible you both are!"

"I like your hair, but it'd look better spread over my pillow. I LOVE horsehair pillowcases."

"Hello, I'm Mr. Right. Wilbur Right. Have my businesscard if you would like to engage in completely emotionless moneymaking transactions."

Also, is there anyone left named Wilbur?

Hahaha, I... I sure hope not.

"Hi. I have big feet. It's caused me to be made fun of most of my life, so I'm a little socially awkward. I also have this disease — it's called Asperger's, have you heard of it? I read about it online after an epic sesh."

"Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call your mom and thank her. I now know what the ugliest person on the planet looks like, for comparison purposes."

"Are you Hurricane Irene? Because everyone has been taping up their windows when they heard you were coming around."

"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I in entirely different languages and then burn every dictionary ever made."

"I would die a million deaths if it meant I never had to see you again."

Bahahaha, this is an Actual Pickup Line From Some Website:

"Girl you're like a car accident, cause I just can't look away."

That's... not flattering.

"Wait, what? Where are you— no, baby, please baby! You killed a pedestrian!"

"Nice legs. What time do they open? 'Cause I've been meaning to take a visit to the Gross Sloppy Vagina Museum."

"Nice legs. What time to they open?" sultry glance "Wanna get out of here?" *CUT TO: girl strapped to a table, gagged, thighs slit open longitudinally*

"'What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in the room?' You must be thinking, about that girl over there at the bar who's like a thousand times prettier than you."

"Do you want to see something swell? You should probably look in a mirror, it looks like a bad botox injection or something."

"Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again? Because I feel like I could walk by you like four million times and still think you looked like a train wreck fucked a slaughterhouse dumpster."

"Fuck, I accidentally picked up a girl before she let me finish my letdown line."

Verily, a bird flew through the wood, singing cheery songs. A fox burrowed underground, They met on a golden pond. The fox truly did eat the bird.

^ Best pickup line.

If that actually worked, you would know you found the one.

The One®

"I've just dated so many scummy guys, you know? I'm still waiting for The One. I'm pretty sure Neo is out there waiting for me..."

A watched pot never Susan Boyles.

But it will Lara Flynn Boyle.

And only if you watch a pot will it ever Peter Boyle.

They are, of course, all subject to Boyle's Law.

Of course.

And heating is best accomplished using a Boylerplate.

How come apeshit is universally understood to mean "crazy," but not other kinds of shit?

"Jesus, you hear about Steve? He went completely horseshit."

"That guy's bullshit crazy.'

"Wait, so you mean he's faking it?"

"No, he's bullshit crazy. You know. He went apeshit. Dogshit. You know. Horseshit insane."

"This is all a crock of shit."

*stirs*

*ladles some out into a shoe*

*throws it into the lake*

"Man, this guy's really chickenshit crazy, isn't he!?"

"Aw man, Carl went shit!"

"Wait… what? Where?"

"Right there! Didn't you see him!"

"Like, in his pants?"

"I mean… I guess so...?"

The Key Foods at my subway stop has a sign that says "Open 24 hours / Sorry for the inconvenience."

I can't figure out why.

It almost sounds like they're being sarcastic about it.

"YEAH, WE'RE ONLY OPEN 24 HOURS. SORRY FOR THE HUGE INCONVENIENCE THAT MUST BE."

*Kramer bursts in* "This vitamin stuff is incredible! You gotta try it. You won't believe it, Jerry, I feel like a whole new man!" *Jerry's eyes narrow* "new man"

Nice one!!! *goes to hi-five you but tumbles out an open window instead*

*keeps tumbling after hitting the ground tumbles into a cab keeps tumbling in the back of the cab tumbles out at destination tumbles up the side of this building tumbles in through window clumsily hi-fives, where both hands just kinda glance off each other*

*confetti and balloons fall from the ceiling* *all your favorite porn stars come out to suck your dick*

Al Gore was invented by Muslims.

Algore.

Looks like a last name.

Al Algore

Alal

Alal Sex

Halal Algore

#failedpalindromes

Ergo, la Al Gore

Cogito ergo Algore.

A Shrek ogre; ergo, Kesha.

Al Roker karaoke L.A.

Re: Care Eraser

Sarcoidosis Isis odor cards

Horus, sure. Oh!

Adirondack kraken diarrhea

Sit on a potato pan, o, sit!

Next item on the Psychological Scavenger Hunt: Convince an elderly person that you can download drugs from the internet.

NUMBER FOUR IS A DOOR

I AM NUMBER FOUR

I AM A DOOR

A DOOR ABLE

*performs a 40-minute standup set consisting of nothing but "Wacky Jokes for Kids"*

"I've never heard a standup comic perform knock-knock jokes before."

Like some sort of Andy Kaufman thing.

The "joke" is that admission was $90 a seat.

UNIRONICALLY CALL MY CAT "PAL" AND "BUDDY" #isfromthe50s #lame-o #possiblepederast

Jesus christ.

I really don't know who to be most disappointed in, here.

IT'S DISAPPOINTMENT ALL THE WAY DOWN

^BASICALLY MY SELF-ESTEEM

Same here!

I should train to swallow swords but then just increasing the size of whatever I'm swallowing so that I can get a shotgun in there and then get a sawed-off shotgun and slide it all the way down my throat and pull the trigger and die.

:(

:shobon:

That would be the most horrific way to not die, if you survived.

SUP ROOMIE. YEAH, BASICALLY BLEW OUT MY LOWER GI TRACT WITH A SHOTGUN, FROM THE INSIDE, SEVERED MY LAST SEVEN VERTEBRAE TOO. WHAT'S THAT? YOU'VE GOT APPENDICITIS? TOTAL BUMMER, MAN.

There is nothing more tedious than the sort of task where you have to make the fuck, I got bored just trying to explain it.

I wish there were a great bluetooth mouse.

Not too many buttons, good form factor, fucking bluetooth.

I wish there were a great ANYthing.

:(

EVERYTHING TERRIBLE IS

(SOV)

HAPPY SOVDAY

"EVERYTHING TERRIBLE IS!" - YODA

"NOOOOOOT!" - BORAT

Soviet Russia in, Subject You Verbs!

(That might be true.)

In Soviet Russia, Yoda speaks perfect English.

Not really doing anything tomorrow or Wednesday.

SITTING ALONE AT HOME AND CRYING MOST LIKELY.

CRYING: IT'S PRODUCTIVE

CRYING: IT'S REPRODUCTIVE

*Sometimes

*Usually

Sexual Intercourse

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Signs and Symptoms

*Crying

Gross.

Haha, a cat drinking from a bottle?

But… cute. :shobon:

Yeah, kind of.

EWWW, A CAT GETTING SUSTENANCE!

I don't know, it's just... strange. Like walking in on someone jerking off. "I guess it's natural."

I don't know. I mean, I don't get grossed out by cats eating or by people drinking milk or babies drinking from bottles or breasts or whatever. I feel like it's a little different than walking in on someone beating off in that it's like... you don't need to beat off to live, really, unless you're me and you have that terrible condition.

I don't get grossed out by any of those either. It might be because the cat's on his back.

"Look at my asshole as I unnaturally feed myself with this human implement."

"I HAVE ADAPTED TO USE YOUR TECHNOLOGY, HUMAN. SOON I WILL DOMINATE YOUR WORLD."

Jesus fuck, it costs $15 to deliver flowers?

Haha, damn.

$30 on a Saturday!

Eat my poop.

That's retarded.

What're you doing?

Or, rather, trying to do?

Send flowers to my folks for Easter.

Gotcha.

Hrmm.

Maybe just mail them a bunch of Peeps from Amazon?

CRAPPY EASTER MOM AND DAD!!!

HAPPY EASTER! HERE'S SUGARY SHIT THAT TASTES AWFUL. TRY MICROWAVING IT!

Have basically just sugar. Enjoy the diabetes!

I'M DIABEATING OFF

Google are kind of experts at ruining shit they've perfected.

What have they done this time?

Analytics, most notably benchmarking.

They removed it; it was rather valuable.

Weird.

And the layout is argh.

EDIT ACCOUNT SETTING WHERE

:suicides:

To edit account settings: 1) Kill yourself 2) When given the choice between heaven and hell, choose "hell" 3) Spend eons fighting your way to the ninth circle 4) Edit your account settings from the control panel in the frozen lake.

NOTE: You will be irreversibly dead. Google QA is currently working on a fix for this issue.

FYI (you might already know): There's a Men's Wearhouse on 34th between 5th and 6th.

Ah, yeah.

Spotted that recently.

Wordo, birdo.

Birdo.

*shoots an egg out of my nose*

OH GOD THAT'S FUCKING PAINFUL

Hah, I like how if you google "wtf has obama done" the first result is from Cracked.

Did you check out the 60 Minutes interview?

I didn't!

I heard it was good.

It was brilliant, particularly on part of the interviewer. The only thing I didn't like was that he used a lot of "multiforked" questions, which allowed Obama to avoid answering some of the more difficult ones.

E.g., he didn't have to answer, "Did you tell Michelle [about the raid and bin Laden before it happened]?"

Not exactly the most important question to answer, granted, but I'm interested to know. I think I'd tell in that case.

Maybe that makes me a bad president.

But the rest of the interview was completely brilliantly structured.

Not at all. You need someone to confide in, and it's not like she's going to go blabbing it to all her carrots or something.

Headline: MOST QUALIFIED PRESIDENT IN CENTURIES BELEAGUERED BY SCHIZOPHRENIC FIRST LADY