How likely do you think you'd be to survive a cougar attack? Let's say you saw the thing coming.

Hrmm. I could probably punch it in the face and knock it out.

Though, that's doubtful.

It's those paws that get you!

Yeah. Size of human hands, basically, with claws at the end.

I probably couldn't survive it, no.

I mean, if I had a warning and could get, like, a weapon of some sort, maybe.

LIKE A GUN? A GUN??? YOU WANT A GUNN

But, like… if it were a genuine cougar in an unarmed conflict, I'd do some damage to it, but it'd probably kill me.

Yeah.

What about if it had been declawed?

And you had been reclawed.

THAT might turn the tide in my favor!

"Okay, now, what if YOU were the cougar and it was a HUMAN you were attacking who LOOKED JUST LIKE YOU USED TO LOOK!?!?!? Because you were mad because he stole your body and put you in a cat!"

Guns don't kill people. People do. So… let's keep making guns, and just not let people have them! *dusts off hands*

BY CONTRAST IN FINLAND THEY JUST HAD A SIMILAR MASSACRE, A SCHOOL… HUGGING?! *RECORD SCRATCH*

"38 STUDENTS HUGGED TO DEATH BY MASKED HUGMAN"

*mugshot of an 18-foot python*

Weird, I just watched this episode of Clarissa Explains It All from 1997 and the family visits New York City, and Melissa Joan Hart is standing on top of the WTC saying, "Boy, we'll all remember this in a few years when Al-Qaeda sends two planes into these two towers and they come crashing down, in the year 2001," and everyone just kind of looks at her funny.

I want to take a stroll through my brain. What the fuck would that be like.

Shitty music in the background as I walk through my seventh grade classroom with an awkward boner.

Memory from last time you visited Michigan?

It's fucking awesome how badly Timothy Dolan wants to be the Pope.

Who's that?

The Archbishop of the New York City Archdiocese.

He's a terrible horrible person and he's the poster child of Catholic reactive ultra-conservatism embodied by Ratzinger.

Cool!

Is he getting molested by a poster priest?

**soft-shoes off the stage**  Thank you and goodnight!!!

Maintain your weight: Amputate!

*holds up picture of Lieutenant Dan from Forest Gump, labeled "THINSPIRATION"*

"IDs are set by IR. I cannot change the IDs since they are used to link all the databases. I assume you are not saying we need to modify the ID (the IDFamily field) to include "Pa" and "Pb" as part of the ID, right? But if we are not changing the basic IDFamily field how to we get the "new" ID into the system? If we are creating a second FAM ID (in addition to the original IR family ID), we need instructions for doing this."

Just… kill me.

Is this ShittyCMS?

This is ShittyCMS plus other things plus OurTechDept.

There are a shitload of moving pieces and I have no fucks to give to any of them.

TURDLES ALL THE WAY DOWN

Inextricable bullshit. Just one long, horrible cow turd all coiled up and tangled infinitely.

Yup.

Every goddamn thing to do with schools is a Gordian knot.

SLICE THROUGH WITH THE SWORD OF DAMOCLES

Just like the myth goes!

I'm pretty sure you can't do that in schools anymore.

"Hm… if I murder all the kids, the database will be empty!"

God, even that's not true.

I'd need to kill their parents, and all the alums, and all the parents of alums.

And all the faculty we've ever had.

"Man murders tens of thousands in effort to scrub databases"

In the end: Worth it. And easier than having a competent database system.

"DROP TABLE YOU;!"

Oh my god… if you die in real life, you die IN THE GAME!!!

One unanticipated consequence of Mr. Freeze freezing his wife was that when she finally thawed out and they conceived a child, he came out with Iceberger's.

Indeed. But they were very grateful that it was not full blown thawtism.

I don't think Girl From Karaoke is into me at all. Difficult to make eye contact.

You've got like three other girls jonesin for you anyway though, yeah?

*throws you up against a wall* ADMIT IT! ADMIT THAT GIRLS ARE INTO YOU! PRAY TO ME!

Hah, sort of.

But not really. The one that was the coworker's girlfriend's friend, I sent her a message on Facebook, just a, like, "how's it going?" kind of thing, and she hasn't gotten back to me yet. :P

And the girl from upstairs... I don't know. Not feeling it.

Not on the intellectual level, anyway.

By girl from upstairs, you mean the dusty skeleton in your attic?

Hahaha, yes.

In that crawlspace in the ceiling.

Oh. Really hittin' it off with the skeleton ladies!

Yes.

I'm actually part skeleton, so we have a lot to talk about.

Does your local cemetary have a closing time?

Not sure.

Is there a gate?

Hrmm, not sure.

Why?

No reason. *discreetly sweeps pile of bones under a rug*

Want to go in there and steal some corpses and beat off into the caskets until they're filled to the brim with cum and then bury them again and then ask the DA to exhume the bodies?

APRIL FOOOOOOOOOLS, TAXPAYERS!!!

*literally stands over a vandalized casket, jerking off, for months*

*somehow nobody notices*

*following conclusion, skeleton reveals he "enjoyed it"*

Haha. But we stole the corpses.

Before that point.

So we could beat off into the empty caskets.

Hahaha, of course. My bad.

IT'S A SIMPLE PLAN, APPLETON

KEEP UP

"Fuck, I've been jerking off onto a skeleton for weeks. I hope he doesn't notice."

Sentences I never thought I'd write.

After a month, the skeleton shakes its head and feebly swats at you. "What the… what the fuck are you doing, dude? Get out of here! GET OUT OF HERE!"

"Shut up, skeleton man! He'll hear you!"

"Good thing this cemetery didn't have a closing time, or a gate, or we wouldn't be able to stand here for months beating off onto this skeleton."