Why does every word related to a vagina sound so fucking stupid?

"Labia" sounds like a kind of dog.

"G Spot" is just fucking moronic.

Yeah, I dunno.

"Cervix" should be the name of some nearby star system.

And "clitoris"? What am I, fixing a fucking car?

"Oh, you just turn the clitoris a few times. The timing must be off. If it's not that, it might be the carburetor."

Vulva, too.

They're all very squishy, difficult-to-swallow words.

Yeah.

Pudenda.

That's a piece of furniture.

What's a pudenda?

It's some stupid Latin phrase that literally translates to "to be ashamed" but refers to women's junk because humans are retards.

And always have been.

Sounds like a piece of flower.

"The stamen is attached to the pudenda,"

Or, like, "Oh, the ottoman has arrived! Awesome! Put it next to the pudenda."

And all the slang. Louis C.K. had a great bit about, like, "How could you look at that and call it a 'cunt'?"

Haha, I've heard that.

"Even 'vagina' is too harsh a word for it."

But when you think about it, it's ALL stupid.

Every word for every part of the vagina is ill-fitting.

Maybe foreign languages have better words.

Doubtful!

I think it's called "sarlacc" in Arabic.

"Vajine" with the soft j works pretty well, even if it's a Boratism.

Cos "pusshole" just seems offensive.

"Hey, did you get sand in your pusshole?"

That's aggressive.

And like, even the internal anatomy.

Uterus.

That's a name that should belong to a really fucking stupid-looking goat cousin.

"Where should we put the ibex exhibit?" "Hrmm. Put it between the uteruses and the gorals."

"Ovaries" are stupid too. RICH, CHOCOLATEY OVARIES

Uterus I'm okay with, cos that's far away from the other shit.

That's like, gall bladder territory.

Gaul bladder.

Male anatomy seems more appropriate, for some reason.

Testicles, duodenum, vas deferens, those pretty much are what they sound like.

Oh wait.

Not duodenum.

What am I thinking of?

Oh well. Pretend I'm smart, instead.

Jeffries Tubes?

What's its function?

That little slab of whatever that sticks to the side of your nuts.

THAT'S A REAL THING RIGHT

Peanut butter?

(For me, anyway.)

Hahah.

You don't own a dog!

Don't have to own a dog to enjoy the feel of peanut butter gluing your balls to your leg.

Shit, what's that thing? Am I making it up?

It's like, armor plating for your balls, but not armor at all.

And I don't really want to look at pictures of the reproductive system right now.

Cremaster muscle?

Spermatic artery?

Zac Defrons?

Infundibuliform fascia?

Spermatic plexus?

Anyway, the only thing that doesn't sound stupid in the female anatomy is "fallopian tubes", I guess.

But that's mostly because they have "tubes" in the name, which facilitates some amount of familiarity and not just, like, "welp, here's a jumble of letters for this thing on the bottom of a woman's torso" or whatever.

Listen.

Female reproductive system is not a big truck, it's not just something you dump something in. It's a series of tubes.

I'VE BEEN DOING IT WRONG

ALL THESE YEARS

My wife sent me a, a female reproductive system last Thursday, I didn't get it till today.

Her tubes were clogged.

I'd like to see a serious drama featuring zombies.

Like, they're just a part of society. With rights and shit. Like some sort of weird minority.

But they would give no shit.

Yeah. So it's mostly because a bunch of people insist they can't kill them.

"BUT THEY'RE PEEEEEOOOOPPPPLLLLEEEE!"

Or whatever.

PETA but for zombies or something.

PETZ

Yeah.

And people get confused because they think it's a cutesy spelling of "pets".

Which would make more sense for animals.

Exactly.

And then the show could also have PETA in it insisting that cows should get the right to vote.

So we have to set up these elaborate voting booths.

Wherein whichever photograph of a candidate the animal or zombie walks the closest to for the longest within a period of five minutes, that's who they've cast their ballot for.

From MoveOn.org

And then it'll turn out in some kind of twist that that's how stupid people now vote as well.

They just kind of wander in with a screen playing Jersey Shore or whatever strapped to their wrist and wherever they wander in the room is who they've voted for. And then they go "EHH, I DON'T REALLY CARE MUCH ABOUT POLITICS I HAVE TOO MUCH OTHER STUFF TO WORRY ABOUT TO CARE ABOUT PROTECTING MY FREEDOM TO WORRY ABOUT OTHER STUFF."

PAULY D FOR HOMOSEXUAL ABORTION

As though they can't take the fifteen fucking minutes a week necessary to formulate some small amount of understanding of the issues they're voting on, so that they can ensure that they aren't forced to spend six hours a day worshiping some statue of Jesus or Muhammed or Xenu or some weird hydra version of all three with their long necks all connected to the body of Glenn Beck.

There's a certain amount of shit you kind of need to give about protecting your freedom to not give a shit. Like, there's a threshold. You can't just COMPLETELY not give a shit. You have the freedom to not give a shit, but with that freedom to not give a shit comes an obligation to give at least a TINY amount of a shit about being able to not give a shit.

Haha. Kind of.

Because if you have the freedom to not give a shit, then if you actually DON'T give a shit at ALL, someone who DOES give a shit about something you're not interested in could easily figure out some way to FORCE you to give a shit about the thing that THEY give a shit about.

I don't know.

The whole thing is retarded.

And ultimately doesn't matter.

ALL WILL BECOME NOTHING

And will ultimately resolve itself somehow, even if it's in the death of all humans before the estimated lifespan of our species. So whatever. But still.

I don't want to be forced to give a shit about something I don't want to have to give a shit about.

So I have an obligation to give a shit about my ability to be free from having to give a shit about shit that I don't want to give a shit about.

There's kind of an implicit mandate, with our freedom to not give a shit, to give a shit about our freedom to not give a shit. That's like the ONE THING we HAVE to give a shit about.

Thing - shit - thing - shit

I'm excited for Michigan. And hoping my girlfriend and my family get along.

Yeah, definitely. I'm sure it'll work out fine. I mean, they've met her before. And it's not like she's an asshole or anything.

Yeah. But this time, she gets to meet all my whackadoo aunts and uncles and cousins.

But like you said.

She's not an asshole.

It'd be one thing if she didn't give a shit and basically just spouted off every offensive thing that came to mind regardless of where she was. Or if she had a habit of addressing everyone as "Mister Nigger Q. Faggotballs" or something.

Like so many people are prone to.

Right.

Hard for those people to meet other people's families.

Hell, probably hard for them to meet their OWN families.

"Hi daNIGGERQFAGGOTBALLS"

Meet the Tourettes! :D

FUCK YOU DAD

*slams door*

FUCK YOU SON

*runs to own bedroom and slams own door*

"YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND ME AT _ALL_"

I HATE MY LIVING STRAIGHT SON

You know, God must have really fucking hated sheep.

Always setting them down with lions and whatnot.

I don't get the animal sacrifice thing.

It's like... "Okay, you guys, I'm coming on Sunday and if I see a lamb that isn't dead I'M GONNA BE FUCKING PISSED."

"I'd kill it myself, but I FUCKING HATE THOSE THINGS."

Yeah, I don't get it.

It must be just to reinforce submission.

HEY, THAT THING YOU LIKE?

THAT AWESOME THING?

THE ONE THAT MAKES YOU MONEY?

FUCK IT

IT'S MINE NOW, A-HOLE

"Don't worry, though... I'm coming up with a convoluted plan so that none of us will EVER have to deal with lambs again."

THROW YOUR FIRST BORN INTO A VOLCANO

KILL YOUR VIRGINS

HUMP HARUMPH

"Why, God?! Why must I do these horrible things?! What reason is there behind this wanton violence???"

"WHAT, DON'T YOU TRUST ME?"

God is the abusive boyfriend of humanity.

"Well yeah... every once in a while he sends a plague to rain down upon us, and there was that time he turned a river into blood. But... he does it because he loves us."

*covers up black eye* NO IT WAS MY FAULT, I DESERVED IT

Christ, I'm a little scared at how apt this analogy is.

Quick reminder: We've spent one trillion dollars on wars since 2001.

[Some economist] calculates $1 trillion could pave the entire U.S. interstate highway system with gold _ 23.5-karat gold leaf. It could buy every person on the planet an iPod. It could give every high school student in the United States a free college education. It could pay off every American's credit card. It could buy a Buick for every senior citizen still driving in the United States.

THANK GOD WE'VE LIBERATED THE MIDDLE EAST, though.

That's for goddamn sure.

In the end, it's all proven to be worth it.

We've tracked down and killed Osama bin Laden, we've liberated Afghanistan and it's now a flourishing democracy free from terrorists and warlords and shit. Saddam Hussein's absence from Iraq has completely stabilized the country and all the religious factions there now get along...

And there's no longer any major terrorist threat to the United States or any of our allies.

Al Qaeda is a memory.

We've totally wiped our ass with all the bad people. What a wonderful fucking world.

So in the end? Completely worth destroying our budget.

"Mistake" doesn't even begin to confer the enormity of our error here.

I can't figure out why our national budget surplus turned into a deficit, though.

Probably all the weedsmoking illegal immigrants aborting their homosexual babies.

I want to slaptrack to an alternate universe where we didn't go to war after 9/11, and instead of focusing on fear, we just rebuilt the goddamn twin towers within a decade of their destruction.

I want to slaptrack to an alternate universe where people aren't morons who'll believe whatever someone tells them as long as there's enough scare behind it.

When do we recover?

Never.

We just keep blowing money on shitty wars that are basically the equivalent of running in place only you're running in place while someone is shooting at you and bombing you, we eventually declare "victory" -- which strangely resembles exactly the state the whole fucking place was in like five years ago --, and then we sweep under the carpet the millions of people in America who needlessly died from preventable diseases and poor nutrition. They're not me, so who gives a goat's cunt?

I dunno. France is doing okay now. The UK is doing okay now. They've had shittier periods in their history.

I don't mean "when do we become Utopia." I just mean "When do we get back to normal."

Yeah, but we're idiots.

We have these pseudo-philosophical reluctances to admit when we've been fucking retards.

When we make mistakes, instead of correcting the mistakes we put about fifty times the amount of effort that that would have required into convincing everyone that nothing ever fucked up, or that if it fucked up it was all part of the plan.

I guess we usually have to wait for the younger generation to come of age and say, "Hey! Weren't our parents idiots?" And make new mistakes of their own.

Iraq wasn't a mistake -- it was planned liberation of the Iraqi people from an oppressive dictator! The whole 9/11 connection/WMDs/whatever thing was all just a part of the plan to warm the American people up to the idea of blowing our entire economy on a president's and his dad's vendetta.

And also the tearing apart of the Iraqi infrastructure to sell it off wholesale to American business interests with close ties to the president.

America got angry that a stray mongrel bit the shit out of our backpack, so we took it out on the kids who live in the projects.

Pretty much.

But hey, "needs of the few" and all that!

And I mean, I'm trying to be the kind of person who looks at all this shit and thinks "yeah, but life would be boring if everything was perfect. Without all this struggle, I mean, a utopia would be the dullest possible outcome." But at the same time, I mean, there are mistakes and then there's fucking catastrophic failure. You can be imperfect without ruining everything. There should be SOME middle ground.

And there is.

Middle ground is just not what we're into from 2000-2010.

Hopefully we become a little more moderate, a little less polarized this decade.

Even though there are machines in place that profit from perpetuating that radicalism.

Hah, not going to happen. For that reason, basically. People are manipulated into opposition. In the same way there's manufactured consent, there's manufactured opposition. Amplifying the differences because it's beneficial to a handful of people to make those differences amplified.

Granted, there are some fundamental differences we'll never be able to reconcile.

But there have always been those machines, in some form or another.

And we've always swung through periods of radicalism and moderation.

I don't know. In the past, people weren't so constantly bombarded by all this shit either.

Sure, there was still church and all that other stupid bullshit where you could run if you felt your beliefs were threatened...

The effect is the same, though. Echo chamber and whatnot.

The backdrop is different, is all.

I do feel like it's maybe more intense, though. Like, compare FOX News to news from fifty years ago.

Journalism as a whole.

The closest thing we have to Edward R. Murrow is a goddamn comedian.

Yeah. That is really depressing. TV journalists, sadly, need to ape the format of a comedy show to be effective. At least it'd be better than mimicking morning zoo show hosts.

But check the newspapers from 1900.

Just about as bad.

Or the 1950s, red scare and all that.

If it wasn't the dirty Mexicans, it was the dirty Irish, and the dirty Germans, and the dirty Italians, and the dirty Chinese, and the

Yeah... I guess. But I feel like the tactics have improved a little, more than in the past, with the blatant 'YOU'RE A GODDAMN COMMUNIST! GO TO JAIL YOU FUCK!' stuff.

Manipulative subtlety is much scarier than outright condemning.

I mean, it's kind of Literally The Same now, isn't it?

YOU WANT HEALTH CARE? FUCKING COMMIE

Or socialist.

Cos the two are the same thing.

Hah. Well, sure, they still do the same stuff, but there are other situations wherein they really manipulate people. Flashes of imagery before or after news reports... things like that.

Oh, yeah.

It's slimier than ever, I'd have to agree.

I guess I just hope that a majority of people will eventually snap to their senses.

Yeah. And they might!

=/

...yeah.

I can't tell! Is this ass? Is it gas? Is it a nonspecific but Abrahamic deity?

Turns out it's pig anuses.

Gosh damnit.

We would have technically accepted "God" OR "Ass" on that one.

The Bible was written by fearful, oppressed people who had some good ideas about hygiene at the time. But when you look at it now, it's just wish fulfillment and outmoded health tips.

Yeah.

We have indoor plumbing now! And antibiotics!

It's like if it said you should brush your teeth using only baking soda.

And people were like "FLUORIDE!? SATAN!!!!1"

Or whatever.

"AN AFFRONT TO OUR LORD."

Well, let's be honest, fluoride in the drinking water is an illuminati conspiracy to get rid of aluminum waste byproducts and control our minds.

Bad example, mate.

Yeah, I guess.

:(

But yeah, Seventh Day Adventists are basically like Christian Muslims.

No alcohol, tobacco, pork...

Etc.

Oh, and Jesus is coming. Soon. I promise.

It's right around the fucking corner.

I know we've been saying this for well over a millennium now, but...

Seriously.

Seriously. I know I've been saying it for 2,000 years, but it's COMING SOON.

It's soon.

I'm going to print up bumper stickers that say JESUS WAS WRONG

And also bumper stickers that say GOD IS DEAD AND NO ONE CARES

While I run out to Meijer's for black hair dye and eyeliner.

GOD IS FAT

MY OTHER CAR IS A JESUS

YOU CAN HAVE MY GOD WHEN YOU PRY HIM FROM MY COLD, DEAD HANDS

MY GOD IS AN HONOR STUDENT AT PLAINSBORO ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

BABY ON JESUS

I was going to go with MESSIAH ON BOARD

GOD '12

THESE COLORS DON'T GOD

JESUS OUR TROOPS

ASS, GAS, OR GOD

COEXISJESUS

MCCAIN/GOD 2008

Yeah, we've basically nuked the entire Gulf of Mexico of all life for the next 30 years. But hey, at least we saved $500,000!

Yep!

As long as a single business is allowed to make as much money as possible, I mean, that's the important thing. A business making money.

That's what counts.

THAT should be the point of government: Stepping aside and letting that happen.

That's why you see so many children's programs about the importance of climbing over the dead bodies of your friends in order to reach the top of the mountain first!

I mean, if they'd actually regulated the oil industry and forced them to take precautions, I mean, sure, we might have avoided something terrible like this, but what about the free market? What message will that send to our children about entrepreneurship? Who wants to start a business if they can't go out and rape everything and everyone in their path?

I know that I wouldn't start a business if I were forced to be economically, socially, and ecologically ethical.

Exactly!

I mean, hell, I think we should deregulate rape! I have a capital idea for Rapeco.

Rapeco's business model is a beautiful thing.

I'm thinking of manufacturing a new product called Murderballs.

They kill everything they come into contact with.

Toxic, sharp, diseased, poisoned...

And infinite momentum!

Now see, there's an incentive for scientific research. "We want a ball that will kill anything it touches. And we want it to never stop moving. Science, get on this!"

SHITLOG! Log your logs to see exactly how your gastronomical habits change over time! What exactly does it mean when your shit comes out in little lumpy marbles? ShitLog tells you! Hey, why's my poo green? ShitLog tells you! Should I see a doctor? ShitLog refrains from providing medical advice for legal reasons! Download today! .99 on the App Store for a limited time only!

I'm totally doing that.

I know when I'm on the can, I whip out my phone anyway.

Yeah, for sure.

YHWH FOR SURE

THE NEW HIP INITIATIVE TO INTRODUCE TEENS TO GOD

*G-D

DON'T YOU WANNA BE COOL AND HIP LIKE PASTOR BILLY?!??

YHWH, FOR SURE!

DON'T YOU WANNA BE ROCKIN' LIKE CHRIST?!!???

YHWH, FOR SURE!

DON'T YOU WANT TO BURN YOUR PRIZE GOAT IN HOLOCAUST?!?!

Abrahamic religions: Bronze age traditions for the modern world.

YHWH FOR SURE!