One unanticipated consequence of Mr. Freeze freezing his wife was that when she finally thawed out and they conceived a child, he came out with Iceberger's.

Indeed. But they were very grateful that it was not full blown thawtism.

I don't think Girl From Karaoke is into me at all. Difficult to make eye contact.

You've got like three other girls jonesin for you anyway though, yeah?

*throws you up against a wall* ADMIT IT! ADMIT THAT GIRLS ARE INTO YOU! PRAY TO ME!

Hah, sort of.

But not really. The one that was the coworker's girlfriend's friend, I sent her a message on Facebook, just a, like, "how's it going?" kind of thing, and she hasn't gotten back to me yet. :P

And the girl from upstairs... I don't know. Not feeling it.

Not on the intellectual level, anyway.

By girl from upstairs, you mean the dusty skeleton in your attic?

Hahaha, yes.

In that crawlspace in the ceiling.

Oh. Really hittin' it off with the skeleton ladies!

Yes.

I'm actually part skeleton, so we have a lot to talk about.

Does your local cemetary have a closing time?

Not sure.

Is there a gate?

Hrmm, not sure.

Why?

No reason. *discreetly sweeps pile of bones under a rug*

Want to go in there and steal some corpses and beat off into the caskets until they're filled to the brim with cum and then bury them again and then ask the DA to exhume the bodies?

APRIL FOOOOOOOOOLS, TAXPAYERS!!!

*literally stands over a vandalized casket, jerking off, for months*

*somehow nobody notices*

*following conclusion, skeleton reveals he "enjoyed it"*

Haha. But we stole the corpses.

Before that point.

So we could beat off into the empty caskets.

Hahaha, of course. My bad.

IT'S A SIMPLE PLAN, APPLETON

KEEP UP

"Fuck, I've been jerking off onto a skeleton for weeks. I hope he doesn't notice."

Sentences I never thought I'd write.

After a month, the skeleton shakes its head and feebly swats at you. "What the… what the fuck are you doing, dude? Get out of here! GET OUT OF HERE!"

"Shut up, skeleton man! He'll hear you!"

"Good thing this cemetery didn't have a closing time, or a gate, or we wouldn't be able to stand here for months beating off onto this skeleton."

This woman's name is Gina Sinz.

Someone should have told her that she didn't need to make her porn name legal...

Bahahaha, right next to her in the directory is Gina Saint.

Someone get me a top, I need to make sure I'm in the real world.

I'm going to use the slow cooker tomorrow.

Chicken breasts, salsa, spices, and a bottle of cough syrup.

Did it hurt when you fell? Because you're walking so goddamn slow I'm just assuming you broke a hip.

If I told you you had a nice body, would you believe my lies?

"Someone call heaven, they're missing an angel. You know, one of those weird-looking lion-faced ones that spit swords made of fire and melt your face if you look at them."

"Are your legs tired? Because you've been running through a briar patch full of brambles and twigs that make you ugly when they touch you, it looks like."

"...all day."

There's something wrong with my cell phone… When I was using it so obviously in front of you, you were supposed to leave.

We should go to bars and not pick up women.

Yes.

Actually, this kind of shit apparently works on some women.

Yeah, I wonder if they would interpret it as "the neg."

"No −- christ, come on, get off me. I'm married, jesus, stop it."

Like a yappy dog or something.

"Do you want to go out and get some pizza and have sex? No? What, did you think I was actually serious? I'd rather just fuck the pizza."

"Nice shoes."

"..."

"Nice shoes. Wanna use them to walk the fuck away from me?"

"You look like you have a little Irish in you. No? Well, do you want some? The bathrooms are full and your mouth looks like a toilet."

"That dress looks great on you, but it'd look better on my floor. So I'm going to take you back to my place and throw some water at you because you look like the Wicked Witch of the West in the Wizard of Oz. I have a collection of discarded witch dresses on my floor."

"Do you wash your pants with Windex? Because you probably should, because they smell like shit and literally anything would be an improvement."

"You must be one hell of a thief because you obviously stole your face from a horse."

"Where have you been all my life? Can you please go back there forever?"

*points at her crotch* "Do you come here often? Because you look like you probably don't even have functioning genitalia."

Imagine saying that to someone.

"Do you sleep on your stomach? 'Cause I thought whales usually did that."

"Hey, shouldn't you be trying to kill yourself by violently hurling your 30-ton body onto the beach?"

"How did you even get past the bouncer?"

"Which is easier? You getting into those tight pants, or getting you out of them? Because I bet it takes, like, a team of horses to pry your fat, lardy ass out of those things. Buy some pants that fit you."

"Is your last name Gillette? Because I could probably shave with your fucking strangely angular face."

"What do you and the weather have in common? Everybody's talking about how terrible you both are!"

"I like your hair, but it'd look better spread over my pillow. I LOVE horsehair pillowcases."

"Hello, I'm Mr. Right. Wilbur Right. Have my businesscard if you would like to engage in completely emotionless moneymaking transactions."

Also, is there anyone left named Wilbur?

Hahaha, I... I sure hope not.

"Hi. I have big feet. It's caused me to be made fun of most of my life, so I'm a little socially awkward. I also have this disease — it's called Asperger's, have you heard of it? I read about it online after an epic sesh."

"Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call your mom and thank her. I now know what the ugliest person on the planet looks like, for comparison purposes."

"Are you Hurricane Irene? Because everyone has been taping up their windows when they heard you were coming around."

"If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put U and I in entirely different languages and then burn every dictionary ever made."

"I would die a million deaths if it meant I never had to see you again."

Bahahaha, this is an Actual Pickup Line From Some Website:

"Girl you're like a car accident, cause I just can't look away."

That's... not flattering.

"Wait, what? Where are you— no, baby, please baby! You killed a pedestrian!"

"Nice legs. What time do they open? 'Cause I've been meaning to take a visit to the Gross Sloppy Vagina Museum."

"Nice legs. What time to they open?" sultry glance "Wanna get out of here?" *CUT TO: girl strapped to a table, gagged, thighs slit open longitudinally*

"'What does it feel like to be the most beautiful girl in the room?' You must be thinking, about that girl over there at the bar who's like a thousand times prettier than you."

"Do you want to see something swell? You should probably look in a mirror, it looks like a bad botox injection or something."

"Do you believe in love at first sight? Or should I walk by again? Because I feel like I could walk by you like four million times and still think you looked like a train wreck fucked a slaughterhouse dumpster."

"Fuck, I accidentally picked up a girl before she let me finish my letdown line."

Verily, a bird flew through the wood, singing cheery songs. A fox burrowed underground, They met on a golden pond. The fox truly did eat the bird.

^ Best pickup line.

If that actually worked, you would know you found the one.

The One®

"I've just dated so many scummy guys, you know? I'm still waiting for The One. I'm pretty sure Neo is out there waiting for me..."

A watched pot never Susan Boyles.

But it will Lara Flynn Boyle.

And only if you watch a pot will it ever Peter Boyle.

They are, of course, all subject to Boyle's Law.

Of course.

And heating is best accomplished using a Boylerplate.

How come apeshit is universally understood to mean "crazy," but not other kinds of shit?

"Jesus, you hear about Steve? He went completely horseshit."

"That guy's bullshit crazy.'

"Wait, so you mean he's faking it?"

"No, he's bullshit crazy. You know. He went apeshit. Dogshit. You know. Horseshit insane."

"This is all a crock of shit."

*stirs*

*ladles some out into a shoe*

*throws it into the lake*

"Man, this guy's really chickenshit crazy, isn't he!?"

"Aw man, Carl went shit!"

"Wait… what? Where?"

"Right there! Didn't you see him!"

"Like, in his pants?"

"I mean… I guess so...?"

The Key Foods at my subway stop has a sign that says "Open 24 hours / Sorry for the inconvenience."

I can't figure out why.

It almost sounds like they're being sarcastic about it.

"YEAH, WE'RE ONLY OPEN 24 HOURS. SORRY FOR THE HUGE INCONVENIENCE THAT MUST BE."

*Kramer bursts in* "This vitamin stuff is incredible! You gotta try it. You won't believe it, Jerry, I feel like a whole new man!" *Jerry's eyes narrow* "new man"

Nice one!!! *goes to hi-five you but tumbles out an open window instead*

*keeps tumbling after hitting the ground tumbles into a cab keeps tumbling in the back of the cab tumbles out at destination tumbles up the side of this building tumbles in through window clumsily hi-fives, where both hands just kinda glance off each other*

*confetti and balloons fall from the ceiling* *all your favorite porn stars come out to suck your dick*