Why isn't The Hulk a way more lame character?

You'd think it'd be Bruce Banner chilling in the JLA, then Lex Luthor threatens a hostage or something, and he's all, "This is a situation that needs to be dealt with, but it's not like I'm enraged about it." So he's powerless.

Then he reads a news story about Deepwater Horizon or something and breaks his easy chair because he weighs 900 pounds now.

Personally, I think that would be a more interesting character to read about.

Though, maybe he keeps around a story about Deepwater Horizon and stuff just so he can get pissed off.

Also, Lex Luthor is DC and Hulk is Marvel. :P

Oh... durr.

But I like that!

I guess Hulk would not be in the JLA, then.

Yeah, probably not.

Maybe in a sane world.

But yeah, I can imagine him keeping, like, a wallet full of enraging shit around.

Like how people carry photos of their children and stuff.

Only he has, like, a news article about the Deepwater Horizon and how BP has been basically covering up how shitty the cleanup effort is going...

And like some Asian lady stomping on a kitten...

Photos of oil-covered animals...

That's like cheating though.

Eventually he'd be like, "I realize I'm only manipulating myself. I'm not actually angry about this anymore."

Then he'll be shopping at a supermarket and realize exactly what he's become, and he'll crush the box of Cheerios he was holding and knock down aisles 4-9.

He has a midget that comes around and punches him in the balls.

And then scurries into a titanium-enforced room.

All that does is turns him into a 900 pound green strong man who's also curled up on the floor in the fetal position.

"I DON'T LIKE ME WHEN I'M ANGRY"

"HULK HAVE PROBLEM"

"HULK HURT PEOPLE HULK LOVE MOST!"

A daytime talk show co-hosted by the Hulk and Bizarro.

ME WOULD LIKE YOU WHEN HAPPY

"Your grammar displeases me, Bizarro."

OUR LAST GUEST TODAY AM NOT SARAH JESSICA PARKER

"I FUCKING HATE SEX AND THE CITY"

He throws her through the wall.

DO NOT JOIN US NEXT WEEK WHEN WE NOT KILL ANDY DICK

"OUR NEXT GUEST AM NOT JENNIFER HATE HEWITT."

And then Jennifer Hate Hewitt comes out and all she can say is "JENNIFER... HATE... HEWITT!"

Produced by Dead Andy Kaufman

And then they all take turns punching each other.

And then the handlers come in and give him a reinforced chair (which you'd think they'd have had in the first place, but they don't, for dramatic effect)...

I think more than that, I just like the idea of Bruce Banner having an amiable conversation with Bizarro.

And then the discussion continues with both of them growing increasingly enraged.

Yeah, some episodes run like that.

Bizarro's lesser-known cousin, Bazaaro. "THIS PASHMINA SCARF NOT FOR SALE! I DRIVE PRICE DOWN TO $2.99!"

The Incredible Hulk's lesser-known cousin, The Credible Hulk. He bulks up a little bit, to totally believable extents, and remains the same color.

"That guy is pretty believably strong."

"Better watch out! Now I can bench press 400 pounds!"

"Credible Hulk, I would trust you with my Social Security Number."

"I'd like to call my next witness to the stand: The Credible Hulk."

Gasps

They swear him in and then whack him with the Bible so that he gets a little bit pissed off, and bulks up to totally believable amounts.

"I THOUGHT YOU WANTED AN EXPERT WITNEEEESSSS!!!!"

A.k.a. The Plausible Hulk

And then he rages so hard that he accidentally pops his top collar button.

"Ugh, I thought I told you guys, I'm far less personable when I'm upset."

"I'm so ANGRY right now! I'm... I'm pretty darn steamed!"

"You'd probably like me slightly less when I'm angry!"

But he gets over it pretty quickly.

The Empathetic Hulk

"I realize I'm the size and color of a dump truck... but I understand why you had to murder Batman's parents."

The Predictable Hulk

"Hey! Hey! Look at him, he's gettin' angry! He'll probably shout that lame catchphrase again!"

Or, like, the Anti-Hulk.

"You would like me very much when I'm angry."

"In fact, you may fall in love."

You piss him off and he gets smaller and more attractive.

"You've truly angered me. Would you like a cup of tea? Perhaps I could drop off your mail for you?"

"If you want, I'd totally give you oral with not even any implication that I might even consider wanting reciprocation of any sort."

"My grandmother passed away and left me her fortune, but even though you just killed my wife, I'd like for you to have it all."

"Please, kill my child, too!"

"If it will make you happy."

He just keeps throwing family members at them to kill, the angrier he gets.

"TAKE ALL MY BELONGINGS! THEY ARE YOURS!"

He's like a self-fueling rage machine.

"WOULD YOU LIKE A BACK MASSAGE?!?!????!"

"CAN I POUR YOU SOME TEA?!???! GIVE YOU A FOOTRUB!?!?!?!??!? WOULD YOU LIKE TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE!?!/??!??!?!?"

"Look man, all I said was it looks like you were having a bad hair day."

"HERE! MY WALLET! YOURS!"

"HERE'S A KNIFE! YOU CAN STAB ME IF YOU LIKE!!!"

And then there's The Incredible Sulk.

You get him mad and he just huffs off to his bedroom.

All passive-aggressively slamming the door.

He'll occasionally shout "YOU'RE NOT MY REAL DAD!"

He's 15 years old.

He gets really big but not really all that muscular... he mostly increases in size just so that his stifled sniffling can be that much louder.

And he gets awkward erections.

SO THE INCREDIBLE SULK, THEN, IS JUST LIKE ME, IS WHAT YOU'RE SAYING.

More like the Empire State BuilDONG, amirite?

*drowning*

I've been drinking way too much coffee lately.

It makes me have to piss basically incessantly from, say, 11AM to about 4PM.

Probably forty gallons over the course of that period of time. I don't know how.

Maybe a hundred.

Gallons.

Hahah.

No, really, it's like thirty. Which is nothing, considering the volume that flows through the Manhattan sewer system on any given day.

[experts actually place the estimate of my urine output at about 300 gallons a day]

That's about average.

James Cameron and Kevin Costner are actually coming here so that they can figure out how to better deal with my urine.

Of course, the obvious solution is to just not drink so damn much coffee in the first place.

Because I might end up becoming dependent on it to remain energetic throughout the day.

Indeed.

At this point it's probably not even providing any perk at all.

But you're probably just struggling to get back to your baseline.

Indeed.

And they're a lot more effective and better for my body.

Bananas!

(Eating a small breakfast to set my metabolism to proper levels, for instance, so that my body doesn't think that it needs to rest.)

Right.

But I don't want to stop drinking coffee. I mean, coffee is so readily available at all times -- why should I change my routine?

You shouldn't.

Routine is God.

I'd have to build an entirely new breakfast infrastructure.

It would be costly.

And besides, scientists still haven't figured out conclusively whether coffee is a diuretic.

At least, a couple scientists. 99.9% of them say that it is, in fact, a diuretic. Which means more urine.

I have absolutely figured out conclusively that coffee is a diuretic and a laxative.

But that's just anecdotal! There have been people who have drank coffee and not urinated or defecated afterward for HOURS.

What about them? Don't they prove that coffee ISN'T a diuretic?

Look, if coffee really is a diuretic, then why doesn't everyone who drinks coffee immediately piss their pants?

500 scientists sign petition saying that coffee is not necessarily a diuretic.

(None of them are coffee scientists.)

So for right now, I see no reason to reduce my coffee consumption. If anything, I should INCREASE it. I'll drink all the coffee. In fact, I'll drink YOUR coffee -- I'll drink it up!

Today in Obvious Metaphors.

EXPLAINING THE JOKE THEATRE PRESENTS,

A PRESENTATION OF BELABORING THE POINT PRODUCTIONS

PRODUCED BY REDUNDANT OVERSTATEMENT PRODUCTION HOUSE FILM MOVIES

A SUBSIDIARY OF KRAFT FOODS

(unaffiliated with kraft services)

Some girl is singing that "Ah got soul but ah'm not a solja" song.

(Twang inserted)

Interesting.

Is she the same girl who said "be seeing you" the other day?

Hahaha, I don't think so. :P

If she did the hand gesture, I would adopt her.

Haahah. Away from her surely loving family.

Hahaha, yeah.

"NOPE, YOU'RE COMING WITH ME. I'M YOUR DAD -- AND YOUR MOM -- NOW!"

And then I blow up Alderaan.

Hahahah.

"YOU'VE SCREWED UP THE ENTIRE CHRONOLOGY"

"UUUULTIMAAATE POOOOOWWWAAAAAAAHHHHHH" *builds c-3po*

"If this is a consular ship, then where is the ambassador?" *falls into a lava pit*

"You were right, Luke. Tell your sister you were right." *chops off Luke's hand*

"Luke, I am your father. Search your feelings, you'll know it to be true." *wins the pod race*

"Great shot, kid! That was one in a million!" *shoots Greedo*

"That's no moon. It's a space station." *meets Jarjar Binks*

"These aren't the droids you're looking for." *disappears leaving only robe behind*

"Are you an angel?" *chokes Admiral Needa*

"Get in there, you big furry oaf. I don't care WHAT you smell!" *gets encased in carbonite*

Why is this "Keep Calm and Carry On" poster E V E R Y W H E R E in 2010?

It's fucking stupid as a trend.

Fuck you.

Jesus.

Christ.

What sparked this?

What did it?

I have no idea.

Did Simon Cowell mention it or some such shit?

It was kinda cute, but nothing really worth everyone getting worked up into a big jizzy frothy jerk-blizzard over it.

And it does irk me as a little disrespectful, even though that's rare for me.

HEY MAN, WORRYING ABOUT THE NAZIS IS JUST LIKE WORRYING THAT YOU'LL MISS YOUR DEADLINE BY A DAY

I MEAN, BEING REPRIMANDED BY YOUR BOSS IS PRETTY MUCH THE SAME THING AS HAVING YOUR HOME FIREBOMBED

Hehe. I mean, I can understand it as a, like, satirization of the fact that it's pretty ineffectual to throw up a sign saying "just remain calm" when shit's getting firebombed, but I don't think most people are doing that.

I also think that in general we're becoming an increasingly pussified society.

Everything is SUCH A BIG DEAL.

All the time.

Like, "OH NO MY BOSS SCOLDED ME."

"THIS IS LITERALLY THE END OF MY LIFE."

Or, like, "I WORE THE SAME DRESS TO THE PARTY AS THIS OTHER GIRL! I'LL NEVER LIVE IT DOWN!"

And it's like, when people say shit like "oh I have too much to concern myself with to bother with politics or any of that" it's like... no, you really DO have enough time, but you've blown all this other stupid shit out of proportion.

It's like, if you didn't spend so much motherfucking time worrying about wearing the same outfit to a party, YOU'D HAVE TIME TO GIVE A SHIT ABOUT ISSUES THAT ARE IMPACTING MILLIONS OF OTHER PEOPLE AND POTENTIALLY DRAMATICALLY CHANGING THEIR LIVES.

OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPATY DONOR / I'VE GOT AN INAPPROPRIATE BONER / OOMPA LOOMPA DOOMPATY DOILET / I'M GONNA STICK YOUR HEAD IN A TOILET

Something tells me this isn't the chocolate factory I was looking for.

Can't believe Sandra Bullock won for Best Actress.

Eh, which of the nominees should've won over her?

I don't know... Helen Mirren is really good. And so is Meryl Streep.

What'd Helen Mirren do again?

Eh, some obscure film I didn't see.

And Julie & Julia was kind of a fluffy movie, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was.

I just... I don't know.

Sandra Bullock isn't a good actress.

Haha. I can't remember a movie I've seen her in.

There was also Gabourey Sidibe from Precious.

Precious looked fucking awful.

From Valuable: Based on the book 'Shove' by Ruby

"I'm fat black and retarded, let's believe in me!" or whatever. It's Rudy 2010.

And who the hell's name is Sapphire?

Oh, it was incest, not retarded. Right.

Still.

OVERCOMING ALL ODDS TO RISE TO A VAGUELY "UPLIFTING" ENDING

One of those lame-assed melodramatic Overcoming Ridiculous Adversity movies designed almost exclusively to play upon one's heartstrings.

BULL

SHIT

And Sapphire.

Sapphire.

What the fuck.

Who names their kid that?

What, is it like fucken Prince or something? Seal?

What about, like, Sapphire Kowalski?

Come on.

IF YOU'RE GOING TO HAVE A STUPID NAME, AT LEAST PLEASE HAVE A LAST NAME TOO SO IT DOESN'T RIDE RIGHT OFF THE CLIFF OF STUPID INTO FUCKHEAD CANYON

I realize it's as arbitrary as anything else, but if you're going to go by A Single Name you better be fucking amazing, or else you're just a pretentious fuckhole.

Getting into heaven is basically like doing taxes as a rich person, I guess. HOW CAN I GET AROUND THE ESTATE TAX?

"FREEEEEE SALVATION!!!" -Dead Matthew Lesko

GET MONEY FROM GOD!!!

FREE!

$50,000 TO SAY 'HALLELUJAH'!

$10,000 TO NOT EAT AN APPLE!

$100,000 TO SACRIFICE YOUR PRIZED GOAT!

ALL FREEEEEEEE!

Not to be all "RELIGION IS DUM" or whatever, but it's fucking stupid for the B&H Web site to completely shut down for the sabbath.

Hahahahaha, seriously?

It really does that?

Yeah, if you try to look at shit after sundown on Friday, there's a big note over every image that says, "YOU CAN LOOK, BUT ORDERING HAS BEEN TEMPORARILY DISABLED"

It's just so fucking dumb.

Like the "kosher telephones"

LET'S PLAY LOOPHOLES FOR GOD

Indeed.

If God's such a shithead stickler over all this shit, you think he's going to go "OH CRAP YOU GOT ME ON A TECHNICALITY! OKAY, YOU CAN PASS."

The Almighty is so absent-minded!!!

But yeah, free will... it's a pretty funny thing.

There's no choice. Any "choice" we make is the result of this huge pile of experiences that are built upon experiences that are built upon experiences that's in our head.

I'm not sure I follow.

We could choose Pepsi over Coke for no other reason than that we threw up one time when we were a baby.

Or you could acknowledge your reasoning and go against it for that very reason.

But even then, that's also built upon the same set of experiences.

Choosing to rebel comes from a different path of experiences.

It's all predicated upon layers upon layers of things that happened to us before that "decision".

Accepting a path and rebelling against it are both parts of the same machine.

Just perhaps different mechanisms.

I don't think your own justification makes it not free will.

In fact, that's all that does make it free will.

Because the paths are predetermined.

Not because of what comes after, but because of what came before it.

The entire arrangement of the universe as it currently stands is the way it is because of which way a bunch of particles burst forth from the Big Bang.

No way.

It's not predestined what path I'll take home.

Sure it is. You're basing your decision on SOMEthing that came before that decision, whether it was simply visual aesthetic or "wanting to change things up a bit" or whatever else.

But I make that decision in the moment.

Right, but moments don't exist in vacuums.

They don't exist the way they are without all the moments that came before them.

I'd say those experiences inform every decision you make, but they don't predetermine them.

I mean... everything is predestined in retrospect. But that's cheating.

But there's one factor or another that tips it in one direction or another.

But you can't figure out what that'll be ahead of time, most of the time. And there's no governing force or logic behind any of this.

And experiences sure aren't objective.

Whether you choose to reject or accept a particular path is based upon this huge bundle of connected neural pathways that have formed throughout your lifetime, with weird and unexpected things getting wired together.

You take two people -- identical twins, even, and give them the exact same experiences. They'll still interpret them differently.

Right, because you can never have identical experiences.

Let's say for argument's sake you can, down to the molecules of air you breathe.

Whether a person is standing on your left or your right could have ramifications years or decades later.

There's still the brain itself, which forms differently in the womb.

Twins don't necessarily have the EXACT same brain.

To start out with.

Right.

Hm.

Well, it sounds like what you're saying is if you take exact atomic clones and give them the exact same set of circumstances, they'll make the exact same choices as each other.

Within a given margin of error. Though, at the first deviation, it's going to start to differ exponentially beyond that point.

So even in the perfect petri dish, there's a margin of error.

I'd say that rules out predestination.

Er, well, sorry, I was still thinking about "well, they could've gotten bombarded by slightly more sunlight".

Haha.

But you're talking about identical to the subatom.

To the very string.

Which, if you start out with two absolutely identical humans that are atomically identical and they have atomically identical experiences, they will make the same choices every time.

But we've moving further and further away from anything resembling a real-world scenario.

So in this mythical world, sure, but why not just call it God in that case.

Maybe. We can't really test that.

Though it'd be fucking fascinating.

Heh, of course.

And, I mean, even if you attempt it...

You still have very early deviations that will have exponential effects decades later in that individual's life.

It really would.

If I were God, that's what I'd do.

One of the many things.

But in the world in which we live in (heh), I don't think you can say there's anything resembling predestination.

Predictability, absolutely.

But yeah, even with twins, a fraction of a second with, say, a caretaker rushing to them when they fall could mean the difference between their choosing to trust a person or not trust a person twenty years later.

Simply because of whatever "turning point" in wirings of neurons.

Right.

Understood and agreed, of course.

One pathway is formed versus another... that child would wait no longer to make the judgment about the person who was supposed to care about them.

Kinds of things.

And even if I were to say "fuck it" right now and inexplicably quit my job (just after getting hired full-time) and sell or abandon all my shit and hop a flight to Haiti to rape orphaned children, there's some sort of neural circuit that's been building to lead to that decision.

Over the course of my lifetime.

So... SEE YOU IN HAITI is what I'm saying.

Hahaaha.

Welp!

JUST CHOSE A WALLPAPER FOR MY COMPUTER IN PART BECAUSE OF THE WAY MY DAD SMELLED WHEN I WAS A KID

It would be pretty amazing if you could trace that kind of shit, though.

Yeah, for real.

Depressing, too.

Haha, yeah.

"So. Why'd you just dump that girl?" * scanning * "It was because of the fourth porn you jerked off to, which changed the type of woman you were physically attracted to, to a very slight degree, but enough that from that point onward, you sought out women who more resembled her, which sort of snowballed into a complete alteration of the kind of woman you're ultimately attracted to. Also, your mother fed you too quickly once when you were three years and four months old, which altered the path of your expectations from women."

Oh. Well, guess I can't blame you!

"Also, that one time you stubbed your toe."

Nobody would care about anything!

I think the fascinating and fucking absolutely horrifying thing is that there are certain experiences you can "implant" in a person that will alter their behavior years later.

And I think that happens a lot.

I.e.?

Or rather

E.g.?

We're steered in such a delicate and subtle way that we believe that we're making certain decisions ourselves when they're really just because of some commercial we saw when we were twelve.

Combined with other shit.

The best trick is making us think the ideas originated from within.

Hah.

ALL PRAISE NOOK-NOOK, THE ONLY HUMAN TO EVER HAVE AN ORIGINAL THOUGHT

Haha. But even then, it was just the result of stumbling down a hill and then a few years later burning his hand on a hot rock.

Or her.

At least he was the first.

Or her.

Yeah...

I mean, but even then, you can possibly trace it back to the way particles exploded from the Big Bang, if you had the technology. Nook-Nook only fell down the hill because when the particles that eventually would come to form the Earth came together, one of them landed slightly more to the edge than another, which resulted in that hill even being there in the first place.

And another clump of particles allowed for life to form.

My brain seeks to reject these ideas as a form of self-defense.

Yeah, once you start buying into it, everything seems really horrific and vast and meaningless and lonely. And it's even worse if it already felt that way to begin with.

And it's like... once you're there, you can't not be there.

Because, I mean, there's no real other explanation for it. The current subatomic particular state of the universe can be traced back to whichever way those particles were flung out of the Big Bang.

But at least no entity set all this shit in motion, or knows the components, or the end result.

Right, of course.

Though, if we had the technology to measure even a given set of particles and trace them back to their origins, we could make some interesting projections.

Damn.

Probably really accurate ones, too.

Yeah. We could see all of time flattened out before us.

Sometimes I try to imagine it and it just... breaks my brain.

Just the potentials of it.

Seriously. It's literally maddening.

Heh, in a way:

I think becoming more aware of the process is one of those "experiences along the path" that affects the way you think from that point onward, only it's sort of a "meta" one. Once you start to think about why you're making certain decisions... what factors from past experience go into every choice you make... you can sort of control it more. But that control is only there because of the awareness you attained from becoming aware of the process.

If that makes any sense at all.

It does.

And in real-world application, it makes you a better "decision-maker."

The key, of course, is to avoid using it as an excuse for your actions. "Oh, that's just the way my brain functions." or whatever.

Still accept responsibility.

Indeed.

You can't blame your parents for being born when you rape someone or whatever.

"Hey, if I wasn't here, you'd never have been raped! Blame THEM!"